No.1: Shitting through letterboxes - top mailcrapper and TV football pundit Jimmy Hill anwsers your questions
Greetings football fans everywhere! When I campaigned to have football's maximum wage abolished back in the 1960s, many's the letterbox I had to dump my load through to press home our point. This turned from political necessity to a satisfying yet cathartic hobby; and I now fill my days enjoying the harmless pastime of mailcrapping, knowing full well that I shat through the letterbox of the FA Headquarters at Lancaster Gate so the likes of Rio Ferdinand and Patrick Vieira don't have to today.
Mailcrapping is a skill that can only be accomplished through years of practice and a suitable diet. Many a letterbox shit has been spoiled by poor stance and traces of nuts and/or sweetcorn. Champion mailcrappers are marked on style, control, damage and firmness. Badly directed stools and wayward spurts are the sign of poor sphincter control which can only be achieved through a regular training routine and an abstinence from bum sex.
Q: "This shitting through letterboxes looks remarkably difficult. Can I shit into a bag and post it through manually?"
A: Certainly not. In taking the coward's way out you are sacrificing the shock and awe that only a freshly laid log can produce. It's a direct arse/letterbox interface or nothing at all.
Q: "How about pissing, then?"
A: Good grief. What are you, some kind of weirdo? Can you imagine the damage that a springloaded letterbox could cause? Only those unable to shit (ie people with colostomy bags) are excused. Remember that many people taking a crap will often urinate as well. Why waste it? If you are exceptionally talented and/or hung you may be able to bend your hose backwards through your legs and simultaneously piss through the letterbox as well. Proponents of this supremely skilled "double" may score extra points for the highest mark on the wall.
Q: "What if I get caught mid-shit?"
A: Legging it is probably not an option, unless you're particularly adept at running like a penguin with your trousers round your ankles. If you are caught by the letterbox owner, you are an part of an avant-garde dance troupe offering tickets for a forthcoming production. Alternatively, you may wish to try Jedi mind tricks to convince the owner that mailcrapping will be included in the next Olympics.
Q: "What about training aids?"
A: Pop down to Argos and get yourself one of these to improve your skills in the comfort of your own home. Pretty soon, you and your entire family will be adept mailcrappers. Have you thought about starting a local franchise? Rock superstar David Bowie's one of us, and he practices his art throughout the south and west of London whilst singing "Here am I shitting in a tin can."
Q: "Is there a professional mailcrappers' organisation?"
A: Not as such, but most of our number are on Police "Most Wanted" lists.
Next week: James Bond 007 answers your questions on wanking into hats.