Spies

Riddle me this: If Tony Blair's such a champion of "free and open government", why is he so reluctant to divulge the legal reasons behind going to war with Iraq? Is it because,as Mr Blair claims, this legal case is based on intelligence so sensitive that to bring the source into the public domain would cause a serious breach of state security? Who am I to doubt the integrity of a here today, and dare I say it, gone tomorrow, elected representative?

I trust Mr Blair implicitly to do certain things: to keep the economy on an even keel; to stop people shitting in my airing cupboard and wiping their arse on the net curtains; and not to take our nation into war illegally, sending brave servicemen to untimely deaths, pissing billions of our national debt up the wall on shonky advice from the Attorney General. And hey, the Butler Inquiry's not going to be Hutton Part II, either. Honest.

Therefore I can only assume that Tony's motives are one hundred per cent correct, and that our great nation is faced with one of the following dread scenarios in the face of an evil, unwashed airing-cupboard-shitting enemy; revealing Mr Blair as the best Tory leader since Churchill (steady on - Ed):

1. Working on a secret mission in a public urinal in central Baghdad, there is no way Blair's going to blow George Michael's cover.

2. The Attorney General's adivce to the British Goverment in full: "Oh, go on, then."

3. War declared to deflect public attention away from David Beckham's sale to Real Madrid.

4. "Saddam called me a bumsexualist and threatened to blackmail David Blunkett over his entirely innocent dog-rimming habit."

5. George said it's okay *cough* oil *cough*, and absolutely nothing to do with that alien lizard illuminati thing that's been on the Discovery Channel.

6. You know how it is these days - the war against drugs won, the communist threat crushed, spam a thing of the past and now we're left with a heavily armed military kicking its heels. They've got to do something, as far away as possible, if it can be helped. Cruel to be kind. Kofi Annan suggested it - here, it's in this transcript.

7. "With reference to chapter three, section IIa, paragraph four of the Treaty of Hounslow; and in pursuance of article IX, pages 237-79, 281 and 1,431 of the Catford Accord of 1879, recognising the precedents set in the 1763 occupation of Hammersmith, Fulham and Parsons Green by forces loyal to the Duke of Croydon, it is Her Majesty's Government's sound conclusion that... Hey! Look over there! It's... it's... ELVIS! *sound of feet running away followed by distant voice*: "Any further questions should be directed to Mr Campbell"

So, God bless our government, taking risks in a dangerous world for the good of us all. Except for that bit about George Michael, it's just a hobby to him.

Hypocrisy corner

The Sun gets all self-righteous about Stan Collymore's dogging habit. This being the same publication that offered a ten thousand pound reward for the "first televised Big Brother bonk".

So, who's the pervert then? The Sun: talking bollocks, daily. And always in the public interest.

The Scaryduck Archive