Prostitute writes weblog. Weblog wins award. Rumours spread over the identity of mystery slattern. This 'Who is Belle de Jour?' thing's gone on long enough. OK, I might have been in there right at the start, spreading unfounded rumours (it's J.K. Rowling researching Hermione's fall from grace in the next Potter - 100% FACT), but I, along with many others have reached the giving-a-shit-event-horizon.
It's all bunk - someone at The Guardian knows who it is as they had to write out a cheque for the blog award prize money, after all. And let's not forget it's all been done before. There'll be a book. Then a film starring Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant, written by Richard Curtis. A British Pretty Woman with breathless reviews on GM-TV. Then I will have to kill somebody.
Somebody think of the children!
"A Thesaurus? Does it bite?"
Good news for Welsh people: Following a recent update, the word "sheepshagger" is now in the Oxford English Dictionary. As is air guitar, big white telephone, clit, f-word (though "fuck" has been in for years), numbnuts, todger, twelve-incher, wedgie and XXXX (and I doubt if this is in the Aussie lager context). Still no sign of "twunt", the bastards.
I'll get me coat
I see they buried Steve Thoburn, the infamous "Metric Martyr" who fought EU rules abolishing pounds and ounces in our shops and markets, following his untimely death. It's sad to think that he is now 1.83 metres under.
Game for a Laugh
The lights in our cavernous, windowless staff toilets are on a sensor. You walk in, the lights come on. They are, so the front panel says, on a timer set to ten minutes. I'm going to change it to one minute. Fine if you're just nipping in for a wazz; but anyone who comes in, drops their trousers and sits on the bog will be plunged into darkness just as they start nipping off a length.
Ah sod it, why wait until the first of April?
In a blatant attempt to fill up my comments - tell me your best practical jokes. I will endeavour to field test them over the coming weeks, and report back to you, scoring on the classic Beadle "Manky Hand" Scale. Better still, first hand accounts backed up with photos will win a small prize.
I am suddenly possessed of the sudden urge to piss in a whiskey bottle and leave it on a bus.