I splashed out twenty quid and bought a new PC yesterday. It's got everything - woofers, tweeters, cup holder and an impressive-looking front panel that screams "Hey, look at me! I cost shitloads!", when, in fact, it didn't.
The last part of the sales agreement comprises a ridiculous series of questions designed to prevent this cutting-edge technology (only available on 95% of all computers in the world) from falling into the wrong hands.
"Q4.: Will the product(s) be used in connection with weapons of mass destruction, ie nuclear applications, missile technology or biological weapons purposes?"
Obviously written by someone unfamiliar with the concept of "lying".
WHOOPS! THERE GOES MY DICTATORSHIP: EPISODE SIX
SCENE: BUNKER UNDERNEATH THE PRESIDENTIAL PALACE IN P'YONGYANG, NORTH KOREA. KIM JONG-IL IS SLOUCHED - WEARING ONLY A PAIR OF CRUSTY Y-FRONTS - IN A LARGE RED CHAIR WHICH WAS LAST SEEN ON THE SET OF JIM'LL FIX IT.
IN FRONT OF KIM IS A HUGE BANK OF TV MONITORS, ALL BUT ONE SHOWING PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES - THE LAST ONE HAS THE TELETUBBIES.
ENTER OSAMA BIN LADEN
OSAMA: Wullah* They're on to us!
KIM: Shrieks (Presses button on arm rest - all of the screens now have the Teletubbies) That was close!
OSAMA: You damn infidel! The western capitalist running-dogs won't sell us the computers without knowing if we'll be using them to visit firey nuclear destruction on the hellish capitals of the Godless capitalist regimes.
KIM: (Scratches bollocks) Hmm... tricky one this. I shall only be using mine to play Samantha Fox Strip Poker.
OSAMA: True, I will only ever use mine to start provocative threads on Fark. And Mrs Bin Laden wants me to set up a website about kittens. Best tell them "no" then.
KIM: Right you are. (Presses button on remote control, the porn comes back). Eh-oh Po! Eh-oh Dipsy!
OSAMA: God help us if there's a war.
* Wullah: Arabic expression of surprise and alarm, roughly translates as "Christ on a bike!"