Let's play Fashion Police - an almost harmless game for the whole family.*
Play either individually or as a team and score points whilst sniggering at the general public to liven up even the dullest of shopping trips.**
The rules are simple my Padowan learner - you are the Fashion Police and it is your job to seek out the sartorially challenged as you go about your everyday life. Score points as you spot fashion faux pas, and the player with the highest score at the end of the day gets to be a smug bastard. Score points for the following, or just make it up as you go along (I do, and that's why I'm such a smug bastard):
- Socks and sandals - the English dullard's concession to hot weather, and photographed here by way of a handy guide: 5 points
- Socks and sandals and shorts - it's really hot and it's pension day, so here are my legs. Feel free to compare them to Gandhi's: 10 points, plus a bonus if the socks reach the knees.
- Crop-tops revealing navel piercings - it's fashion, I'm suffering and by God, I'm going to make you suffer too: 5 points
- Crop-tops revealing navel piercings with beer belly - put it away woman, in the name of all that is holy: 10 points
Add extra points at the judges discretion for the following:
- The minger bonus - Piercings, beer belly, furry moon boots, Pat Butcher's earrings, tattoos and a face like a slapped arse: the sky's the limit
- Bingo wing bonus - flabby upper arms as if they're on the way to the bingo hall. 5 points per wing, double if they're under the age of twenty.
- ManU/Burberry bonus - only scores points in this lethal combination
- Family multiplier - Your score increases exponentially for each family member who offends you
Remember- all scores count as double if you are within earshot of a Peruvian busker playing the theme to "Titanic" on the Pan-Pipes. High score to beat: 12,750 on a particularly horrifying trip through Weymouth town centre at the height of the holiday season.
Now get out and clean up those streets. It's hell out there.
* Unless told to "bloody grow up" by Mrs Duck.
** Until beaten to a pulp by a passing Burberry-clad gorilla for laughing at his moose of a girlfriend.