Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Naked Darth Vader

Last Night's TV

You won't see this on Media Guardian...

I watched Naked News last night (10.30, Get Lucky TV, Sky 235), which is causing a bit of a stir in the media news community with its much-lauded transfer to British television and right-down-to-the-flanges wardrobe policy. I was rather disturbed by the amount of silicone on display to be perfectly frank, it just ain't natural. Norks are supposed to wobble, and they shouldn't come with a small printed label which reads "Inflate to 60 psi". Rumour has it that Moira Stewart's put in for a transfer.

You can't fault the news content, however. It was rather pleasing to see an item on press freedom which used the same quotes as a near identical one written by our office, only their one comes with the added advantage of nudity. And believe me, you don't want to see Kevin with his kit off. It's bad enough watching him, coming over all shouty in his Portsmouth FC shirt. We don't want to encourage him. Keep your kit on, Kev.

The Naked News team even cater for the aesthetically challenged - why else does one of their extremely talented newsreaders look like a horse? I didn't know where to look. Those teeth follow you about the room. And already they've reached their greatest challenge - how to cover the Blunkett pregnancy without causing mass vomiting. Move over CNN, your time is up.


Times are hard for everyone these days. In a Universe just round the corner from ours, the Galactic Empire is struggling to come to terms with budget cuts:

"Gentlemen," said Darth Vader striding up and down the room with purpose as the collected generals twitched nervously in their seats, "It is fair to say that our unsuccessful experiments with the Death Star have pissed the Empire's annual budget up the wall for the next twenty years. If we are to stay competitive in this cut-throat market of Galactic dominance, we should be looking at a policy of belt-tightening."

"You mean..."

"Exactly. That's no moon. That's a beach ball painted grey with 'Death Star Mk III' scrawled on the side with Mrs Vader's laundry marker. Not exactly impressive, but it'd fool Admiral Akhbar three times out of four."

"Yes, but, Lord Vader, but can we compete with the Rebels' X-Wings with these... these... scooters of yours?"

"Silence, fool! You question the dark side? These are no mere scooters - look, they have bells on them, too! What say you Lord Emperor?"

"We're fucked..."


What the bloody hell's that at the top of my blog? I'm scared.

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