"Oh Scary!" you say, voice dripping with mid-price Elizabeth Duke jewelry dipped in gravy browning, "With these Thursday vote-oes you are spoiling us!"
And indeed I am, humble reader, as I present this week's selection of mirth and woe for tomorrow's Scary Story - more fun than buggering Ronald McDonald with a rusty scaffolding pole while singing La Marseillaise in the original Bulgarian. Students of the craft may realise by now that the descriptions offered below may or may not be entirely truthful. What are you waiting for then? Vote me up!
* Trench Warfare, in which several rolls of clingfilm are needlessly wasted on youthful experimentation
* Leaflets, in which our hero discovers exhumation of the recently deceased for fun and profit!
* Glider, in which several scenes from the film "Deliverance" are re-enacted outside York Minster
* Wrong Funeral, in which Princess Diana finally returns from a seven year holiday asking "So, who died then?"
* Paint, in which Ann Widdecombe suddenly realises what she's been missing all these years, with devastating results
* Ceiling, in which Ronald McDonald is buggered within an inch of his life by a singing Bulgarian-French scaffolder
I also have a rather good one lined up co-starring the Duke of Kent. It's what he would have wanted.
Catching up with Scaryduck
Recent mentions on other sites seem to have upped the traffic to this festering corner of the interspazz, so I thought that while you're pondering which story to choose for tomorrow the newer reader (and boy, I hope you realise what you've let yourself in for) may wish to acquaint themselves with a brief summary of previous posts:
1. Sigmund Freud, "the father of modern psychiatry", died in an enormous wanking accident that they had to cover up.
2. Man's existence on planet Earth is solely to impress half-naked female sunbathers.
3. The first thing Neil Armstrong did when he took his giant step for mankind was to stand on - and break - the piss bottle in his spacesuit.
4. TV celebrity Kirstie Allsopp is the leading exponent in the hobby of weasel-greasing, and often has the charming Sarah Beeny round for tea.
5. The so-called "Dirty Bomb" was invented by Benny Hill in a doomed attempt to poison the nation with low-grade smut.
6. "Dear Fiesta, you won't believe the most amazing thing that happened to me the other day" is a legitimate opening to a letter.
7. First editions of PG Wodehouse's "You fucking cunt, Jeeves" and Barbara Cartland's "Shit on my tits" both command huge prices on ebay.
8. The phrase “Profanity is the literary crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker” can be found on page 1,079 of "The Wit of Oscar Wilde".
9. Samantha Fox Strip Poker is the greatest computer game of all time. I would, however, like to point out that my brother bought it. I just used it more than he did. And hacked the picture files.
10. The words "unprecedented premier league muppetry" should ALWAYS be used in letters of complaint.
11. In his memoirs, Denis Thatcher revealed that once, after traditional sex with his wife in the missionary position, he suggested they try anal. But apparently the lady's not for turning.
12. Plymouth Hoe is a well-known Westcountry landmark where Sir Francis Drake famously rolled his bowls, and not a group of all-female rappers from Devon.
12 and a bit. Sorry, this list started off well enough, but just got sort of out of control. Um. Can I go now?
Oh Lordy (again) - Pengor's back.