So, where's my Preparing for Emergencies leaflet then? What if the terrorists attack now? I'm naked, unprepared. In a word - doomed.
If Blunkett wasn't so busy getting his end awa with other bloke's wives, I'd have my copy by now, and I'd bee happily panic-buying non-perishable foodstuffs, digging a nuclear shelter in the garden and drinking my own urine by now.
Is this the kind of tardy response I can expect from this government when Osama bin Laden comes marching up my front path with his dirty bomb and huge bucket of rabies? With only an antique copy of Protect and Survive to protect my family against this hardly made up at all menace, I only hope that "Shagger" Blunkett can get his clothes on fast enough to save us all from disaster.
Memo to Dave: Socks on, martial law NOW! Or, by popular request, use your l33t Big Brother powers to root out those naked Kirstie Allsopp pictures. It's what Echelon and MI5 is there for.
This rant has ben brought to you by Megiddo Nuclear Shelters - the hole in the ground for the whole family - and the Daily Mail