La voix-o de jeudi
Bonjour, my petits frou-froux et grands fromages d'internet pompt-de-pompt-pompt! Maintenant, choosez-vous le plus grand histoire de gaieté et ennui pour le conte effrayant de Vendredi. Votez-moi vers le haut !
[Trans: Vote for tomorrow's Scary Story, there's a chap. Allow my good friend Sherlock Holmes the fictional detective to present the evidence.]
* Duke of Kent - How I foiled the dreaded case of the Curzon Club spit-roast
* Leaflets - Arch-fiend Professor Moriarty plans to reveal Queen Victoria's dangly bits come to a sticky end
* Glider - Tuesday, and once again it is Watson's turn to wear the panties
* Wrong Funeral - A mysterious stranger leads to peril and one of those "Dear Fiesta" letters
* Paint - Off my tits on cocaine, I solve the case of the trans-sexual dwarf
* Ceiling - The Hound of the Baskervilles, or, my Devon Dogging Adventure
* Presto - The celebrated wit and poet Oscar Wilde engages my services, while Watson watches
Remember my Padowan learners: Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true. Except for all that shit about crop circles. And bored housewives. And those stories about my fruit fetish. Lemon entry, my dear Watson.
And while the barrel's being well and truly scraped...
Health News: Medical experts have said that the endorphin rush caused by orgasm can be used to combat a migraine. A handy thing to know if you are ever caught masturbating, and is far better than claiming you have Parkinson's. However, if discovered whacking one out during a job interview or at your Aunt Hilda's funeral ("She was one fine, fine woman!"), you're on your own.
Boiler News: Did someone request an update on the Kirstie Allsopp saga?
I ain't fightin' it till I 'ear it talk News: Enjoying the coverage of the Olympic Games on the television then? Allow me to spoil it for you. And I'm not going to apologise. This one can't be right, either.