Thursday, September 11, 2008

Condensed Movies: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Condensed Movies: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

I haven't given a movie a damn good condensing for a while, so I thought that now is the time to do the business on S. Spielberg's so-called Jewish Revenge Movie and boil it down to a few hundred well chosen words. Several of which being "LOL", but nobody's perfect.

Aslo, please accept the management's apologies for any trace of Monty Python which may appear below. The people responsible for this outrage have been sacked.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

I.Jones: Hello. I am I. Jones and I am excellent. You have arrived slightly late and missed and interesting yet somewhat redundant prologue about my youth. You have missed nothing.

W. Donovan: Your father. He has gone missing.

I.Jones: The silly old sod.

W.Donovan: He was looking for TEH HOLY GRAIL

I.Jones: The Grrrrrail, you say?

W.Donovan: Ni! I mean 'yes'

Postman: Candygram for I.Jones! Candygram for I.Jones!

I.Jones: Oooh! Indie love candy. Waaaaait…. This not candy. It my father's diary.

W.Donovan: What it say?

I.Jones: "January 6th: Pd 37 cents for shecond cheapesht shlattern. Caught teh poxsh*." TMI. Also: "Have found grrrrrail clues in Venish. LOL"

W.Donovan: U must go to Venish. Err... Venice.

I.Jones: I shall take my dearest friend Marcus, because he will be EXCELLENT

Marcus: In fact, I am the most enormous wanker. LOL

I.Jones: Never mind, we will team up with this mysterious German blonde, who is certainly not a Nazi.

E.Schneider: Heil Hitler!

I.Jones: Pardon?

E. Schneider: I said "Weather's bitter"

I.Jones: In which case we shall spend the next thirty seconds deciphering these clues which have puzzled the greatest minds of the last five hundred years to find TEH GRAIL

E.Schneider: And you thought The Da Vinci Code was bollocks. I'm not a Nazi, you know. Neither have I done filthy sex with your father. FTW

I.Jones: Wait... what?

E.Schneider: Err... Nothing. Nothing. We are in TEH LOLCATACOMBS. Soon ze GRAIL VILL BE IN ZE HANDS OF ZE FUHRER!

I.Jones: Oh, you're such a tease. Oh cock, someone has set the LOLCATACOMBS on fire. Ouch.

TEH SECRET BROTHERHOOD: That was us. Soz. We thought you were TEH NAZIS.

I.Jones: Whups. What a mistake-a to make-a. Soz about all your mates I killed TO DEATH.

E.Schneider: Now you must travel to ZER VATERLAND to rescue your old dad. I promise not to double cross you because I'm not a Nazi.

I.Jones: KK

S. Connery: I.Jonesh! What are you doing here?

I.Jones: Listen carefully, 007. I am rescuing you from TEH NAZIS

E.Schneider: That's what you think. Because I AM A NAZI who has done TEH SEXUSSS with your dad. LOLOLOLOL

I.Jones: FFS. I never saw that one coming

W. Donovan: I, too, am a NAZI. I, however, have not done TEH SEXUSSS with your dad...

I.Jones: Oh good.

W. Donovan: ...yet

S.Connery: Shave my ringpiecsh!

I.Jones: Don't worry, Dad. We shall escape from this prison through a series of dashing adventures, and will eventually wind up in Berlin, where I shall get A. Hitler's autograph

A.Hitler: Hello. I am A Hitler and I am excellent. Who do I make it out to?

I.Jones: Waaaaait... You're Mr Bronson out of Grange Hill.

A.Hitler: You boy! I mean ...err... EIN REICH!

I.Jones: ...then we can escape on a FREAKIN' ZEPPELIN before fleeing to the Middle East to find TEH GRAIL. And then teh oral sex

S. Connery: Oral shexsh?

Large crowd on hilltop: GET ON WITH IT!

TEH NAZIS: Sadly for you, old poy, ve are winning ze race for ZE GRAIL. Ve have a little tank. LOL

I.Jones: FFS. I haz a horse and TEH SECRET BROTHERHOOD

TEH SECRET BROTHERHOOD: Shhh... keep it down you joke. We're meant to be secret

I.Jones: Soz. Now everybody stand back while I rescue that useless twat Marcus, save me old Dad (again), kill TEH NAZIS TO DEATH and find TEH HOLY GRAIL in one of the Middle East's most popular tourist destinations

S.Connery: Nishe one shon. Did I tell you I knobbed that German bird?

I.Jones: You disgust me

E.Schneider: Good moaning

W.Donovan: It is I, Leclerq. Plz to get me TEH GRAIL

I.Jones: Get TEH GRAIL yourself. And you appear to be in the wrong production

Large crowd on hilltop: GET ON WITH IT!

W.Donovan: Shooty shooty bang bang!

S. Connery: Ouch. That hurtsh

I.Jones: What we do now, dad?

S. Connery: You must get TEH GRAIL to stop me from dying TO DEATH

I.Jones: Arse. I was hoping you'd say "Shcrew the German bird'sh titsh off" or something

S.Connery: TEH BOOK. It say "If you want TEH GRAIL to see, answer me these questions three"

I.Jones: Let's just cut to the bit about swallows, then.

FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD KNIGHT: African or European?

W.Donovan: African! Ub glub glub glub tasty grail water

FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD KNIGHT: You are TEH KING OF WRONG and make Baby Jebus cry. LOLOL

W.Donovan: ArbleGlarbleMeltingGlarbleDED

I.Jones: Afri... Waaaaaaaaaait... European. Ub glub glub glub tasty grail water

FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD KNIGHT: You are FULL OF WIN

I.Jones: HONK!

FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD KNIGHT: HINK!

I.Jones: HONK!

FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD KNIGHT: HINK! But enough of this silliness. Plz to stop S. Connery from dying TO DEATH

I.Jones: HONK! I mean... right you are. LOL

S. Connery: TEH HOLY GRAIL of Jeshush Chrisht'sh Lasht Shupper hash shtopped me from dying TO DEATH!

E.Schneider: Now to run away with TEH GRAIL! Yoinks! Oh cock, I dropped it down this large hole that has suddenly appeared.

I.Jones: Butterfingers. LOL

S. Connery: Butterface, more like

I.Jones: My Dad made me done a LOL. I LOLed out loud. Now she's fallen in, the daft Nazi bint. What is she like, eh?

E.Schneider: Err... Halp?

I.Jones: Oh. Too late. She is TEH DEAD

S. Connery: Whoops, that'sh a pity. Best shag I've had this shide of the Great Depresshion.

I.Jones: Oh give it a rest, you dirty old man. I'm trying to rescue TEH GRAIL. Naaah, can't be bothered.

S. Connery: Right. OK, we'd besht be off then. My entire life's work, down a hole. Not that I'm bitter. YOU SHPACKER.

I.Jones: Sorry dad

S.Connery: It'sh coming out of your pocket money

FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD KNIGHT: It's actually under the Louvre in Paris you know. LOL

Random Frenchman: That's what you think you silly English knnnnnnn-ight.

TEH END

* Say it with an S. Connery accent and you'll get the idea

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