Mirth and Woe: Marrow
This is a story about a very good friend of mine.
Yes. A friend.
A story he told me in strictest confidence on the condition that I do not tell anybody, and ESPECIALLY not the entire internet.
It's the story of a friend.
And not me.
Good. Then, we are agreed.
So. My friend, then. A friend last seen, an empty shell of a man, rocking back and forth like a bear in those charity adverts you see on television.
My friend ...uh... Scary Goose was a helpful chap.
In particular, Goose was particularly friendly with an elderly couple down the road. He helped them with their shopping, odd jobs around the house, and, on occasion, in the garden.
He never sought any reward for these acts of kindness, except for a nice cup of tea and a couple of rich teas at the end of the day.
So, Goose was somewhat delighted, one early autumn day, to receive a small gift from his lovely, church-going neighbours.
It was a marrow. A marrow he had helped nurture and grow in their garden, and presented as thanks for a job well done.
The problem was, Scary Goose lived, being a single man of good means, on the best junk food money could buy, and didn't have a clue what to do with the thing. He looked up a few recipes in the book his mother had given him one Christmas, and decided straight away that cooking seasonal summer squash was far too much like hard work.
So he had a Chinese takeaway, and set out on Plan B.
He cut off the end of his marrow and hollowed it out with a spoon.
His mission: the Mark One Scary Goose Wanking Machine.
A gift of love from a dear, dear friend and neighbour, that would come to a terrible spoodgy end.
And, dear reader, he almost fulfilled his mission.
He almost – but not quite – achieved a satisfactory level of success due to factors which he had not quite anticipated in his lust for zucchini-based relief.
1. Don't try hollowing out one end with a serving spoon whilst entering the thing at the other
2. Don't set about the Mark One Scary Goose Wanking Machine straight from the fridge, for this will lead to uncomfortable shrinkage, and ultimately...
3. Don't fill the thing up with water from the kettle to get it up to body temperature, especially if you'd just made yourself a nice cup of tea
That is what my friend told me when I visited him at the Scorched Peckers Ward in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
And may the Good Lord strike me down dead if I am telling a word of a lie.