Thursday, September 18, 2008

On Super-condensed movies

On Super-condensed movies

If there's one thing people tell me about my condensed movies, it's that they're too long. And they're probably right, for I'm not condensing them enough.

So, to this end, I've taken a grab-bag of the best of Hollywood history, and really gone to town on them. Fifty words maximum, and still in the easy-to-understand txt speak of today's easily bored, stabby youth.

You may note that I have managed to condense The Untouchables so much, that the mere peripheral character of Eliot Ness no longer features. That's showbiz.


Good Moaning Vietnam

R. Williams: O Haaaaaaaaaaaai Vietnm!

Radio station chief: You're fired. You also stopped being funny about halfway through this picture

R. Williams's replacement: O Hai! This is Steve Wright in the afternoon

R. Williams: Cock. This war is lost.

END


The Untouchables

S. Connery: Hello. I am Essh Connery and I am exshellent. Today I shall be helping Eliot Nessh shtop A. Capone from being an awful shit. Oh, I am dead

A.Capone: LOL

Judge: I find you TEH GUILTY of being an awful shit

A.Capone: What a mistake-a to make-a!

END


Close Encounters of the Third Kind

R. Dreyfuss: Voices in my head want me to go to Wyoming, for no apparent reason

THE MAN (French): Good moaning. Nothing to see here voices-in-your-head-man, plz to go away

R. Dreyfuss: Bismillah, no

THE MAN (French): Right you are, then

Alien: Beeee Goooooood

END


Field of Dreams

Mysterious voice: "If you build it, they will come"

Some time later...

K. Costner: There. I have finished building it

They: O hai! We have come

K. Costner: w00t!

END

And they said it couldn't be done.

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