If there's one thing people tell me about my condensed movies, it's that they're too long. And they're probably right, for I'm not condensing them enough.So, to this end, I've taken a grab-bag of the best of Hollywood history, and really gone to town on them. Fifty words maximum, and still in the easy-to-understand txt speak of today's easily bored, stabby youth.
You may note that I have managed to condense The Untouchables so much, that the mere peripheral character of Eliot Ness no longer features. That's showbiz.
Good Moaning Vietnam
R. Williams: O Haaaaaaaaaaaai Vietnm!
Radio station chief: You're fired. You also stopped being funny about halfway through this picture
R. Williams's replacement: O Hai! This is Steve Wright in the afternoon
R. Williams: Cock. This war is lost.
END
The Untouchables
S. Connery: Hello. I am Essh Connery and I am exshellent. Today I shall be helping Eliot Nessh shtop A. Capone from being an awful shit. Oh, I am dead
A.Capone: LOL
Judge: I find you TEH GUILTY of being an awful shit
A.Capone: What a mistake-a to make-a!
END
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
R. Dreyfuss: Voices in my head want me to go to Wyoming, for no apparent reason
THE MAN (French): Good moaning. Nothing to see here voices-in-your-head-man, plz to go away
R. Dreyfuss: Bismillah, no
THE MAN (French): Right you are, then
Alien: Beeee Goooooood
END
Field of Dreams
Mysterious voice: "If you build it, they will come"
Some time later...
K. Costner: There. I have finished building it
They: O hai! We have come
K. Costner: w00t!
END
And they said it couldn't be done.
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