Friday, September 26, 2008

Mirth and Woe: Nursery Crime

Mirth and Woe: Nursery Crime

A Billy, recentlyHello, I am Scaryduckling and I am excellent. If you're asking, Scaryduckling is my actual, real name given to me by my dad, who paid off the lady in the Registry Office. Scaryduckling Minogue.

My dad's off being a git somewhere, and he's letting me do the Friday story this week. Stick with it, as someone will be sick inna hedge, because he says that's the rules.

No money has changed hands for writing this story. Yet. *cough cough*

When I was seven, and before we moved to Weymouth, I went to primary school in Reading. Dad, who thinks he knows a thing or two about writing, says it's best not to mention which one, as it might embarrass the teachers at Moorlands. Oh. Soz.

Anyway, we had a really nice teacher called Mrs Mayweather, who was excellent. She was really good at getting us to read out our own stories or favourite rhymes in front of the class and I wrote lots of stories for my friends [Duck note: all of which ended with the line "And then they all went home for a nice cup of tea"].

One day, as we all sat on the story-telling carpet, Mrs Mayweather asked if we knew any nursery rhymes we'd like to say to the class. After a few of my friends had sung "Humpty Dumpty", "Jack and Jill" and a few others which also contained mindless violence, I put up my hand.

"Yes, Scaryduckling Minogue," said Mrs Mayweather, "Which rhyme are you going to tell us?"

"One my dad taught me."

"Oh, that's lovely."

I stood up, took a deep breath and started:

My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy
And he showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
So she hit it with a rake
And now it's only two foot four.
By the time I got to "two foot four", Mrs Mayweather had wrestled me to the ground and had her foot on my chest. I am sure this is against the rules.

Then, from the stunned silence of my classmates came one outraged voice:

"She said 'willy'! I'm telling on you!"

Then I was sick inna hedge.

Duck (Scary) takes over from here:

Presently, a phone rings at Scaryduck Towers.

"Mr Duck?"

"This is he."

"This is Mrs Hardbottle. I'm temporary headmistress at your daughter's school."

"Scaryduckling Minogue? Has something happened?"

"In a manner of speaking. There's been an …err… incident. She said a bad word. In class."

"Oh cock," I said, purely within the confines of my skull. And, out loud: "Oh. Oh dear."

Then: "Uh... can you tell me, perhaps, what this word was?"

"Are you sure? I don't know where she picked up such foul language."

"Do your worst. I'm not easily shocked."

There was the sound of a gulp, followed by a deep breath.

"Willy. She said 'willy'"



And then I was sick inna hedge.

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