Casebook One: The Long Game
Early 90s: I accidentally come into possession of Wokingham MPJohn Redwood's parliamentary biro. He was quite cross at the time as (and I quote) "They only ever give you one of those" and there was a mild bout of fisticuffs in the car park as a result
1995: Enraged, he brings about The Town and Country Planning Act in which local authorities may - for example - erect as much street lighting as they please without seeking planning permission
2002: Fearing for my life as Davros runs amok through his Berkshire constituency, I move house to escape his wrath. Sadly, he has Conservative Party spies everywhere, and it is not long before I am tracked down to my bolt-hole on the south coast of England. Not naming names *cough* Richard Plunkett Ernle Erle Drax, Tory party candidate for Dorset South *cough*
2008: Dorset County Council install no less than three street lights outside my house, illuminating the place like a German Prisoner-of-War camp. Unnaturally bright, white light reflects off the Portcullis logo on my preferred writing implement, as I find my every movement in my bedroom can be seen in the street below, where a small crowd watches and takes notes
2008-and-a-quarter: I arrive at work, exhausted, a broken man to see John Redwood sitting in reception, brand new parliamentary biro glinting in his hand, running a critical eye over his broken former nemesis
2008-and-a-half: John Redwood allows himself a moment of smug satisfaction, his work done.
Casebook Two: A Quick One off the Wrist
"Then I filled up his entire three-piece suite with frozen prawns" she told me, "that sorted him out."
"Why?" I reply, stupefied, "In the name of God, why?"
"Simple. He was a wanker."
"Right you are, then."