On being in charge of the Fatwa Department

On being in charge of the Fatwa Department

There's been a certain amount of controversy in media-watching circles in recent weeks over the proclamations of one of Saudi Arabia's leading conservative clerics.

In a number of religious fatwas which reveal a complete loss of plot our man has announced that:

* 'Sinful' satellite TV operators may be killed TO DEATH

* Mickey Mouse, on account of being a mouse, is an agent of SATAN and must be killed TO DEATH

* 'Sorcerers' that appear on television may also be – quite legally – killed TO DEATH

That's an awful lot of righteous smiting.

While some of these edicts make perfect sense in this modern world – I, for one, await R. Murdoch's demise with a certain amount of excitement – you get the feeling the boys in the Fatwa Department might be taking their job rather too seriously.

I've been to Disneyland. Frequently. We all know it's a Faustian third circle of Hell, but won't anyone think of the kiddywinks?

And as for TV sorcerers – as one of my learned colleagues said: "Well, that's Paul Daniels royally fucked, then."

Luckily, I had the chance of putting this bad news to the charming wife of TV's favourite magic man – The Lovely Debbie McGee – running into her half-naked following a bizarre Bourbon Cream-dunking accident in the office car park.

She fled.

Perhaps the sight of a middle-aged man, his moobs exposed to an arctic blast on a rainy Tuesday morning announcing a religious fatwa on her old man might have been a little too much for her. Honestly, some celebrities are just SO sensitive.

To be fair, if I was in charge of the Fatwa Department, I'd be leaving Daniels and his magical powers well alone and using my position for the good of society. Shan't go into details right now, but suffice to say, you won't be hearing much out of Simply Red in the near future.