On sticking your nose into the Cold War where it's not wanted
Look, one or two things at home have been driving me mental, and if I'm totally honest, only senseless violence will sort it out.
Don't get me wrong, it's not the charming wife and kids, for everything on this front is sweetness and light. It's the Daily Mail-reading bloke who lives round the back. Something's got to be done. Now.
And in a world of senseless violence, there's only one scary-eyed, judo black-belt lunatic in town who can come up with the goods.
Dear Vladimir Putin,
Congratulations on your successful invasion of Georgia!
It is pleasing to see - despite your ill-equipped army of country bumpkins – that you are able to march into any small, roped-off area in south-east Europe where the defence minister is barely out of school and kill scores of spear-waggling natives TO DEATH.
It has come to our attention that Russia has laid its hands not only on a couple of prime pieces of commodity-rich real estate (with which we are quite happy to let you do as you please as long as you hide the bodies), but also some of the latest red-hot imported Ukrainian military hardware.
And let's face it, Vlad me old mate, all that cutting-edge gear could be fatal in the hands of your spack-handed, blind drunk armed forces, who are more used to fighting with weapons held together with baling wire. They'd be much safer in the hands of people who knew how to handle this sort of ultra-modern killing machine. And frankly, I'd bet you cold, hard US dollars that no-one in the Russian Defence Ministry ever made it to --- E L I T E --- on the BBC Micro.
Cards on the table. You've got problems with the neighbours and so have I. You've got restless Georgians trying to screw the Russian Fatherland out of its rightful billions-worth gas export monopoly, while I've got the old codger from four doors down who keeps beeping his car horn whenever her drives round the bend outside my house.
He is - frankly - doing my head in, and I ask how would you feel if the wizened old fool with poor taste in motor vehicles kept swinging by the Kremlin honking his horn at all hours? Exactly.
A couple of these surplus-to-requirements Gadfly missile systems would transform his Rover 75-with-a-tartan-rug-on-the-back-shelf into a pleasing crater in the middle of the road.
I enclose a postal order for five pounds to cover the postage and packing, and frankly, doing it this way will save you a fortune in eBay fees.
Best of luck sorting out those pesky Chechens. You'll need it!