Condensed Movies: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Condensed Movies: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

So now we turn our attention to that children's classic, Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, condensed down into the language of today's easily-bored youth. Of course, Dahl never actually meant it as a kids' book and was told to drop the chainsaw scene by nervous publishers.

I've made it my duty, then, to return the Gene Wilder original and its Johnny Depp remake to the edgy, shocking film noir it was meant to be, with director Guy Ritchie basing the cutesome Charlie Bucket on Nick Cotton out of EastEnders and the plot on the 'Final Destination' movies, which was - strike me down TO DETH if I am telling a word of a lie - Dahl's final wish. Enjoy.


Charlie and TEH CHOCKLIT Factory

C. Bucket: Hello. I am C. Bucket and I am excellent. Today, I am hoping to win one of W. Wonka's golden tickets, but I haz no moneys because my father is an unemployable fktard. FFS.

Mr Bucket: Duh. I gave all my money to a Nigerian prince I met on the internet. I really am the most spectacular arse. LOLOL

Mrs. Bucket: Happy Birthday Charlie. I bet this chocklit bar has a golden ticket

C. Bucket: No. No, it hasn't, you useless old harpie because it is Tesco Value brand and made out of cardboard. Why don't you go out on the game and earn some proper cash before your looks really turn to shite?

Grandpa Joe: Too bastard right - Grandma Josephine's still working the docks, an' she made fifty quid last night. Niche market. Blew it all on crack, the silly cow, FFS

Mrs Bucket: ONOZ! Four of teh golden tickets are gone, and the people who have found them are all terrible shits

C. Bucket: Don't worry, ma. I'm gonnur rob the corner shop LOLOLOLOL

Ten minutes later

C. Bucket: Bugger me shitty – five thousand smokes, all the porn in the world and – w00t – TEH GOLDEN TICKET! I am teh l337! Which one of you LUSERS wants to come on the factory tour?

Grandpa Joe: You try to stop me. I'm going to punch that W. Wonka right up the chuff for losing me my job and descending this family into poverty, crime and niche four-in-a-bed pornography

Next day

W. Wonka: Hello. I am W. Wonka and I am excellent. Please try not to get killed TO DETH in my factory

Grandpa Joe: Wanker, LOL

W. Wonka: I could kill you with a thought, old timer

A.Gloop: Guten tag. Ich heisse Augustus Gloop and ich bin ausgezeichnet. Heute, Ich werde moisten sagen 'Om nom nom nom'

W. Wonka: Plz to not fall in teh chocklit river

A.Gloop: Ach du liebe Gott! I hav fallen in teh chocklit river and been sucked up a large tube towards a set of rotating blades

Mrs Gloop: Plz to save my poor A. Gloop

W. Wonka: Sorry, lady. He is already TEH DED. Drowned and sliced up like so much German bratwurst. FFS, this is going to be murder on the paperwork

O. Loompahs: Oompah Loompah de do / That's not chocklit / It's actually poo

V. Beauregarde: Hello, I am V. Beauregarde and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly – and unadvisedly – be stealing W. Wonka's top secret chewing gum. Om nom nom nom LOL

W. Wonka: Plz to not eat teh top secret chewing gum

V. Beauregarde: HALP! I am expanding like a freakishly large beachball!

FX: "Pop" - pause - "Spatter"

W. Wonka: Oooh, the Health and Safety people are going to have a field day on this one

O. Loompahs: Oompah Loompah de been / This factory also / makes Soylent Green

V. Salt: Hello, I am V. Salt and I am excellent. Today, I shall be demanding that I get EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Like, for example, one of those cute little squirrels

Mr Salt: Plz, Mr Wonka – how much?

W. Wonka: Soz – the man-eating zombie squirrels are not for sale.

V. Salt: In which case, I shall just get my own, FFS

W. Wonka: Plz to not disturb teh man-eating zombie squirrels

Cute, man-eating zombie squirrels: Fresh meat! MEAT! BRAINS! BRAAAAAAINSSSSSS! Om nom nom nom

V. Salt: Garble garbleglaaaark. Oh, I am DED, with my entrails spilling down the front of my exclusive Stella McCartney dress. That's never going to wash out

Mr Salt: Cheers fella, saved me a job, LOL

W. Wonka: No worries, pal. ROFFLE

O. Loompahs: Ooompah Loompah de bol / They've left some brains / To put in every ten thousandth bar of Wonka's Chocklit Whippy Delight LOL

W. Wonka: And tighten up on the lyrics, or you're next

O. Loompahs: Sorry boss. You going to pay us any time soon? FFS

M. TV: Hello. I am M. TV and I am excellent. Today I shall be mostly – and not learning from the misadventures of my recent peers – trying out W. Wonka's dangerous and untested teleportation device, FTW!

W. Wonka: Plz to not try out my dangerous and untested teleportation device

M. TV: Hey! Who let this fly in the module? GNARGHHBBZZZZZTTTTTT Kill me... plz to kill me...

W. Wonka: *boilk* Don't you think people look wrong when they're inside out?

O. Loompahs: Oompah Loompah de quack / Not to worry geezer / We've got a hydraulic press round the back

W. Wonka: In which case, scruffy little criminal type, you has won TEH TOP PRIZE

C. Bucket: Fucken' A! Hand it over, weird bloke

W. Wonka: One day, lad, all this will be yours

C. Bucket: What, the curtains?

W. Wonka: FFS. TEH CHOCKLIT FACTORY. It is yours, FTW. Plz to sign this legally binding contract...

C. Bucket: w00t! You're fired, Wonker

W. Wonka: ...which also leaves you responsible for the Wonka Confectionary Company Pension Fund. Current assets: In debt to the tune of a large South American military dictatorship, LOL

C. Bucket: Pwn3d. Waaaaaait... I'm going to tell TEH COPS that you're a serial killer pedalo who touches illegal immigrant Oompah Loompahs

W. Wonka: Errr... welcome to the millionaire's club, you little shit

C. Bucket: What about Grandpa Joe? He's a witness

Grandpa Joe: Yeah, I've got the goods on you goin' back decades, you terrible bstrd

Cute, man-eating zombie squirrels: Fresh meat! MEAT! BRAINS! BRAAAAAAINSSSSSS! Om nom nom nom

W. Wonka: Sorted

C. Bucket: LOLOLOLOL