As a result of accidentally phasing out at a crucial moment in a predictably dull meeting, I have found myself accidentally volunteered for all the meetings in the world, leaving me with precious little time in the coming weeks to arse around on the internet.
My diary is full to the brim with meetings, pre-meeting meetings, post-meeting meetings and further meetings to discuss these meetings and whether we should hold further meetings to discuss the format of these meetings. And we don't even get a tea trolley.
Death, whilst preferable, is not currently an option due to recent arrangements I have made with the Tax Office.
This sorry state of affairs is a salutary lesson in learning to pay attention in meetings, staying wide awake and not falling victim to accidental volunteering.
We suggest, then, a number of tactics which the unwary meeting-goer should employ lest they find themselves in the same predicament as myself.
- Buzzword bingo, obviously
- Earwax removal and sculpture as an attempt to win this year's Turner Prize
- Consider the participants of a set of Office Totty Top Trumps cards
- Win at Office Totty Top Trumps
- Make and use a voodoo doll of the most annoying meeting attendee
- Agree with absolutely every point in a voice not considerably unlike former prime minister John Major.
- Write this, and at least three other, blog items
- Update your ongoing list of orange celebrities to include several members of the cast of Coronation Street
- Write down, in enormous and meticulous detail, the contents of your internal jukebox playlist:
* OMD – Apollo (from the 1984 album 'Junk Culture')- Count down the number of seconds until the end of the meeting, and sigh loudly when this passes
* Blancmange – All Things Are Nice (from the recently reissued 1984 album 'Mange Tout')
* Rush – Time Stand Still ('Hold Your Fire', 1987)
* Kraftwerk – Tour de France ('Tour de France Soundtracks', 2003)
* New Order – Hurt (B-side of Temptation single, 1982)
* Gina G – Ooh Aah Just a Little Bit (1996)
- Leave, with Gina G earworm. Sorry