There are days when I sit at my desk, trying to think of TEH FUNNAY to write for these pages. Days where I sit, trying to pour TEH FUNNAY from brain to page, yet nothing happens.
Today, for example. My mind remains empty but for one word.
And that word is "buttocks".
No news. No opinion. No original thought. Just "buttocks".
Now, buttocks on their own are not funny in the slightest, and it takes a supremely talented comic writer to hang 300 words of TEH FUNNAY on the concept of a pair of pert, wobbling peaches. Oh, mama.
Buttocks. Buttocks. Bosoms. Buttocks.
It's disappointing, but there's not point getting hung up on my lack of imagination and my resorting to schoolboy vulgarisms. It's hardly as if I'm going to get any letters of complaint.
Oh. Hang on. What's this?
Dear SirGood point, well made. Just off to a darkened room for a bit. Be right back.
I wish to complain about the shameless use of the word "butt*cks" on the once popular, second-rate Scaryduck website.
It's cheap, it's vulgar and it is an affront to God's magnificent creation of those firm, pink bottom cheeks possessed by 18-year-old Swedish au pairs and their magnificently voluptuous bi-sexual girlfriends as they run innocent, virginal hands over those young, pert, trembling bodies, probing, ever probing with tongues that have no use for this foulest of words.
Please: No more butt*cks. It is a SIN and a BLASPHEMY.
Now, I think I may have to go for a lie down and …err.. pray for your salvation.
Yours in GOD,
Rt Rev Dale Winton (No relation)