On the office suggestions box, again
Time to open up the office suggestions box once more at The S. Duck Killbot and Ninja Equipment Co. Ltd and see what it is the proles are after to make their selfish, short little lives slightly less distasteful.
* "We can ride out the credit crisis by sacrificing a virgin to mighty Cthulhu. I nominate any staff member from the IT Department".
APPROVED for immediate action
* "If you can't find any virgins, Jacqui in sales is a frigid bitch with vinegar tits, and she'll do. All hail Cthulhu!"
DECLINED until after the Christmas party. As is the custom, we shall be slaughtering one of the cleaning staff as an interim measure
* "Moon onna stick plz"
DECLINED - Dictionary, plz
* "We can improve productivity by setting the intranet homepage to dirtymilfs.com"
DECLINED – Give me a couple of weeks to research this. Did I say weeks? Best make that months, but I dare say it's staying at massive-juggs.com
* "The company should invest in making multiple clones of all of last year's employees-of-the-month and sack everybody else. Also, clone Dawn from accounts, only with bigger norks.
APPROVED – although the board prefers the term 'dry hump' to 'clone'
* "How about paying us, you tight bastards?"
APPROVED, after mandatory handwriting tests
* The office cleaners appear to be shirking in their duties, and my bin hasn't been emptied for two days. Please have one killed, and their head impaled on a spike as an example to them all
DECLINED – Sadly, the constant termination of house staff has led to recruitment problems. We can't even get Lithuanians these days
* Cash and meat prizes for the best suggestions of the month. Now, THAT'S a good idea. Yrs, S Duck, Managing Director
APPROVED – Give this man a pay rise and a ham. Mmm... Ham...
* I propose that we suspend the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974 and the Human Rights Act 1998 as a Darwinian means to correct over-staffing. Or, perhaps, a repeat of Bring Your Leopard To Work Day.
DECLINED – Our staffing levels can easily be corrected by reassigning individuals to potentially fatal cleaning duties
* See this suggestions slip? It's been up my arse.
ACTION: Promote this man. Head of office cleaning