Monday, April 06, 2009

Condensed History: The Six Wives of Henry VIII

Condensed History: The Six Wives of Henry VIII

Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. But which one was which? Either sit through several series of The Tudors, watching His Majesty slipping into ever larger fat suits, or you can get the whole story here, guaranteed up to 100 per cent historically accurate, reduced down to the easy-to-understand language of today's disaffected youth, innit?

The Six Wives of Henry VIII

Henry VIII: Hello. I'm Henry Vee-eye-eye-eye, I am, I am and I am EXCELLENT. Today I shall be mostly getting married to the lovely Miss Catherine O'Aragon, who is from Spain. Holiday romances, eh? LOL

C. O'Aragon: Ay ay ay! El mundo es loco! Also: Here is a baby daughter for you.

Mary Tudor: I hate you dad, and everything you stand for. FAIL

Henry VIII: Fuck me, what a minger. And Jebus, up close you're no oil painting either. Holiday romances, eh?

C. O'Aragon: Ay ay ay! No me gusta!

Henry VIII: Tell you what, let's find a legal loophole, put this one down to experience and say nothing about it. Meanwhile, I shall find solace in this tasty pie om nom nom

A.Boleyn: Hello. I am A. Boleyn, and I am excellent. While Henry Vee-eye-eye-eye has been scoffing his tasty pie, he has also been giving me pork, FTW

Henry VIII: And a right tasty bit of stuff she is too, a hub a hub a hub hub. I am sure she will give me the son and heir I crave.

A.Boleyn: Err... it is a boy, but his ...err... digeridoo's inside out

Henry VIII: Mwaargh! Not only is that a girl, but it is GINGER. EPIC FAIL!

Elizabeth Tudor: Just wait until I am Queen. All your heads will fall RIGHT OFF

Henry VIII: Now that's an idea... if only I had some sort of cause to get rid of this ginger baby-producing WITCH

A.Boleyn: Such as adultery, incest and treason?

Henry VIII: Yeah, that'll do LOLOL

A.Bolyen: Oh, spoons. Now I am TEH DED

Henry VIII: I shall chalk this one up to experience and find solace in this tasty pie om nom nom nom

J.Seymour: Hello. I am Jane Seymour, and I am EXCELLENT. You may remember me from such films as 'Live and Let Die' and 'Battlestar Galactica'. Today I shall mostly be playing the part of Woman who plays Henry Vee-eye-eye-eye's pink oboe before dying in childbirth

Henry VIII: Ello darlin' Here's a rare example of the pink oboe. Know any decent tunes? LOL

J. Seymour: I can do 'Hey Nonny Nonny There's a Snake in my Codpiece', if it pleases sire. Also, here is a baby boy as your son and heir

Henry VIII: Best. Wife. Ever.

J. Seymour: "......"

Henry VIII: ARSE. She is TEH DED. And the boy's a bit of a wet and a weed

Edward Tudor: Hullo sky! Hullo trees! Hullo flowers!

Henry VIII: One day, lad, all this will be yours

Edward Tudor: What? The curtains?

Henry VIII: Never mind, I shall chalk that one up to experience and find solace in this tasty pie om nom nom

A.O'Cleves: Guten Tag. Ich bin Anne O'Cleves, und ich bin ausgeseichnet. Heute, I vill mostly be marrying Heinrich Vee-eins-eins-eins

Henry VIII: Looking forward to this one. I've seen the pictures an' everyth... JEBUS! What a munter!

A.O'Cleves: Plz to play Hide ze Bratwurst a hub a hub a hub hub

Henry VIII: If it's all the same to you, I'll skip straight to the tasty pie om nom nom

A.O'Cleves: Fair enough. I'll err... be off then... bye...

Henry VIII: Om nom nom nom what? Nom nom nom burp nom nom. Oooh, pretty girl LOL

C. Howard: Ey up! I'm C. Howard and I am excellent and from oop north. Why aye, oop tha Toon Ant and Dec Henry Why-Aye-Aye-Aye

Henry VIII: A hub a hub - and if you don't mind me saying – a hub a hub hub LOL

C. Howard: Why aye, I had a reet good neet oot on the toon, sick inna hedge Ant and Dec Kevin Keegan fook the Boro

Henry VIII: I have no idea what you're talking about, and frankly, you're the only minge I'm going to get this side of Doomsday. This one's a keeper, eh folks? LOL

C. Howard: As a matter of fact, even though I am repulsed by your obesity and festering ulcers, I find the idea of becoming Queen of England quite appealing for some reason. Now excuse, me while I screw my way round half the Royal Court. Oh cock, I've been thinking out loud, haven't I?

Henry VIII: Experience. Pie. Nom

C. Howard: Also, my head appears to have fallen off.

Henry VIII: Now that I am free and single again, who shall I turn to for my marital bed?

A.O'Cleves: Guten Tag, big boy

Henry VIII: Mwaaaaaaaargh!

C. Parr: Hello, I am the rich widow C. Parr and I am EXCELLENT. And rich. And certainly not considering marriage to Henry Vee-eye-eye-eye

Henry VIII: Yeah, you'll do

C. Parr: But... but... I'm promised to Thomas, 1st Baron Seymour of Sudeley, and you are hideously fat and need some sort of crane to get your reeking, sore-ridden body from one room to the next. *boilk*

Henry VIII: And?

C. Parr: You've got a point you *boilk* sexy *boilk* devil, you. A hub a *boilk* hub hub hub. *boilk*

Henry VIII: This could be the one, eh readers? In fact, I've never been so happy in my life and I will eat this EXCELLENT king-sized pie to celebrate om nom nooooo... I am TEH DED

C. Parr: WIN! God save TEH KING

Edward Tudor: Hullo sky! Hullo trees! Hullo flowers! I think... I think... I'm going to... to... SING!

C. Parr: Oh. Never mind

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