On sticking your nose into Association Football where it's not wanted, again
The City of Liverpool is good for a great many things. Not least Derek Acorah, reality TV star Ray Quinn and people who say "Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead" ALL THE TIME. It is also well-known for its top-class football team. But enough of Everton, it's the boys in red that need a bit of on-the-spot guidance:
Dear Liverpool Football Club
Congratulations on your successful season!
It's great to see an insignificant city such as yours punching well above its weight in the field of competitive sports. As Dear Leader of the world's foremost military-first Juche-oriented one-party state, I know how tough it is to keep the common people under control, and admire your club's shoot-first-ask-later policy against slackers and saboteurs.
I couldn't help but notice the unseemly dispute between your organisation's two capitalist running dog owners who are running your otherwise fine club as some sort of Yankee puppet regime designed to enslave the people of your fine city.
To this end, I send you this letter as an offer to take the whole organisation off your hands and run it as part of the Korean Workers Party, with all your players and staff given posts in the Korean People's Army and their own AK-47. Luckily, as both our organisations play in the same colour, the transition won't prove too difficult.
As you'd imagine, this immediate and irreversible transfer of power, backed up by our million-man armed forces showing their undying love to the Dear Leader (me) does not come without one or two little conditions:
* An immediate ban on the song "You'll Never Walk Alone", associated as it is with Yankee Imperialist Hegemony and Naked Capitalist Aggression. Instead, I suggest a rousing chorus of "Oh, Dear Leader, You Rise Like the Sun over Sacred Mount Paekdu", to the tune of "Sgt Pepper", which I wrote when I was in the Beatles
* Get rid of fucking Steven Gerrard. He is an agent of British Imperialist Sabotage. Keep his bird though - she's bloody tasty
* The immediate signing of the new star striker, a rising force in Asian football: Kim Jong-Il of Pyongyang United. I'm bloody brilliant and available most Saturdays except when we've got the nuclear inspectors in. They'll never find anything though: It's all in the Everton trophy room – LOL!
* The immediate renaming of Anfield to The Peoples' Revolutionary Juche Military-First Kim Il-Sung Memorial Sports Ground and Social Club, Quiz Night Thursdays
And before I forget: 300 foot, floodlit statues of Kylie Minogue in each corner of the ground. A fitting tribute to the brave Aussie songstress at the world's foremost sporting venue, don't you think? Give me the name of one Scouser who wouldn't be proud to gaze up at her mini-skirt-clad thighs and shout "Dey do dough dough don't dey dough?" with true revolutionary zeal, and I shall send him to the People's Re-Education Camp in New Brighton immediately.
I trust you find the terms of this offer (for eg We won't kill you TO DEATH with rabid dogs) satisfactory and that we can find common ground to do business. I enclose an SAE.
PS My agents are already working to have those Russian Imperialist dogs at Chelsea liquidated at the first instance.