Another visit to the world of Delia Smith, only without the 'Sausage Sandwich' win bonuses that might explain Norwich City's slump over recent seasons.
Today, in our attempt to join the elite world of popular, award-winning food blogs, we venture deep into Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall territory, across that line that separates the rest of the world from the West Country, where men are men, their sheep wear wedding rings, and death by mangle-wurzel awaits at every turn. Whenever we're in Cornwall, we like to try this little number, which we call:
Roadkill Surprise
Ingredients: A fucking great Land RoverMethod: Drive around country roads in a fucking great Land Rover. You may pass the same wizened old yokel leaning on a five-bar gate on several occasions, as Cornish roads were laid out by Helen Keller having a game of Twister.
Wait until you hear the satisfying thump of tyre against badger.
Get out of the car, remembering your Highway Code: Mirror – Signal – Manoeuvre, and bag your still-twitching prey.
Beat off any local type who is trying to snaffle your WIN from under your nose.
Err... that's "Beat off with a stick", not "Beat off enthusiastically with your sleeves rolled up like a slattern on Falmouth Harbourside". You disgust me. This is a clean-minded, entirely serious, popular, soon-to-be award-winning food blog, I'll have you know.
Fuck it, kill it, cook it*, eat it. Remember to cut out any trace of rabies, as this is – by and large – a bad thing
Leave the washing-up for somebody else
As the name implies, this dish goes down particularly well at church-organised "surprise" roasts. There's nothing the faithful like more than the sight of God's creation depicted in a freshly steamed roadkill buffet.
I still remember the screams of delight.
And the projectile vomiting.
The sommelier recommends: Freshly-squeezed hedgehog juice
* This part optional
26 comments:
Furst - an a big helping of Badger, chips an carrots but hold the peas please.
More familiar with the Roodkill surprise that is a local delicacy on country roads around here. When I find out what a badger is, I'll be sure to give it a go.
Turd? OMG, this is revolting.
Fuck it, kill it, cook it?
Fuck it?
That's not in any cook book I've ever read. Not even Ramsey's.
You're definitely on your own there. Although at least the badger wouldn't be able to sell the sordid tale to the Sunday Mirror afterwards.
This blog getting progressively less savory...
Sister: Come on, this is Cornwall we're talking about.
Mmmm. Less Savoury Badger. Love recipe adaptations!
Wot no vegetables?
Fuck it? Surely that'll turn it into some akin to a kiev?
I would like to see fat tongue mockney guy try that on his moped.
p.s. New email macro for work replies to sender with "Please note : Your attached design document reminds me of Helen Keller having a game of Twister" - Thanks Scary.
You need two Land Rovers. It is actually against the law to take any animal that you have killed with your own car. However, if you come across a dead one (it is Cornwall, as you say) or are in a following vehicle, it's fine to sling it in the boot. I know it's not exactly very environmentally friendly to travel in pairs in order to source your lunch but you wouldn't want to get nicked, would you.
That's good advice, Richard.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow's culinary delight.
What? No mushrooms?
Done an LOL @ Helen Keller--is that wrong?
Donna
Come on - give peas a chance
Wot, no snake?
Also, I like my badger served with a side order of ratatoulille.
And a sticky toffee rat onna stick for pudding.
Duck it, kill it, cook it - wouldn't have to add salt then.
Captain D - I love peas but the side effects are horrendous ...... for other people.
That's Fuck it, ducking iPhone.
How come you can post from your phone and I cant??? Snot fair.
Debster - it took umpteen goes before I managed to get the sodding thing to post comments, but the googlemail address they gave me when I got the thing isn't recognized by it and I can read my own blog (how f***ing sad is that) but it won't let me post on it.
And I'm addicted to playing with it.
That comment is, how can I put it, less than helpful ...
Richard:
If you first "come across" a dead one & then have to fuck it as well, aren't you going to be a bit worn out to be cooking? ...& won't it be getting a little too salty?
As with most dishes, it's all in the sauce.
Anon's comment about this blog becoming less & less savoury appears to be true.
Excellent.
I've not read this blog for some time (thanks Justin for the pointer) and I see there's been an 'all change'. And I'm reading these posts backwards as well, well you do don't you?
I'd guess the badger meat would taste good, but not too sure about the 'freshly squeezed hedgehog juice'! Yuk! (Squirm!).
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