On the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Stuff for Excellence 2009 update
It's that time of year again – time to update the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Stuff for Excellence, the internet's number one celebrity-based method of rating stuff for excellence.
As the years roll by, the zeitgeist packs its bags and moves on, leaving our list as tired and dried up as Sue Barker's nadger.
Time, then, to suggest new entries in the list. Nothing is sacred (except, perhaps, TV's K. Humble), and it may well be time to give Ms Beeny the chop.
So, here's last year's list – get your filthiest thinking caps on and leave your suggestions in the comments.
The Scaryduck-Lewis Method of Rating Stuff for Excellence - Old and Busted 2008 List
0. A shaven-headed Britney Spears in a roll neck sweater
1. Lightly-oiled Ann Noreen Widdecombe experimenting in the Acts of Sappho
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, a riding crop and a bucket of beef dripping
4. Judy Finnegan squatting over a glass table, squeezing out a portion of nutty slack
5. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling herself to a leather-clad Pat Butcher
6. Amy Winehouse sucking on a tramp's gusset for her next fix
7. Victoria Beckham in a bikini, lapping at the very gates of skeletal Kate Moss in an OK! Magazine exclusive
8. The Princess Anne unnamed, lubricant-free, many-tentacled woe
9. A wild-eyed and frothing Heather Mills using her wooden leg to facilitate the pleasure of Myleene Klass.
10. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick
11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for "one easy, monthly payment."
12. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
13. Fiona Bruce describing exactly what she would do to you if you left your back door unlocked.
14. Kate Winslet keeping her clothes on, mostly
15. Emma Thompson on a street corner asking for "business"
16. An entirely legal Emma Watson exploring the joys of the Golden Snitch
17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
18. Billie Piper riding a space-hopper over a cobbled street.
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce with her tongue
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil