The great thing about running your own company is that you have a) exclusive access to the office suggestions box and b) power of life and death over anyone who dares to use the office suggestions box.Let's take a look at what the minimum wage drones want my children's inheritance to pay for now:
Suggestion: Please ban the use of the words 'solutioneering', 'metadata', 'helicopter view' and 'six-hour meeting' by all middle management grades
Reply: Bang on. Going forward, all buzzword bingo is punishable by DEATH by low-hanging fruit
Suggestion: Can the company repeat the very excellent "Knife-Throwing Tuesday"? Some of my original targets have since recovered
Reply: I heartily endorse my own EXCELLENT suggestion. £10,000 bonus for that man
Suggestion: Can we help save the Earth by switching the lights off at night?
Reply: Approved. Note to facilities - Please continue with purchase of old tyres and fuel oil for night-time illumination
Suggestion: Please provide beds, eye-masks for victims of long meetings
Reply: I hereby appoint you head of Bed and Eye-Mask Focus Group. Do not report back until you have held detailed meetings with all stakeholders and suppliers
Suggestion: Can the canteen have a veggie option?
Reply: I refer herbivores to the patch of grass next to the car park. You might need to move the old tyres and barrels of fuel oil first
Suggestion: Our department desperately needs an awayday to address urgent morale and workflow issues. Can you arrange this?
Reply: The management board's two-week policy conference in Dubai has decided that these events are unproductive. We will, however, review this decision at the forthcoming management board policy conference in Las Vegas
Suggestion: How about a pay rise?
Reply: How about trying to drive to work with two broken legs
Suggestion: How about a charity swear box?
Reply: Fuck off. And fucking fuck off, you fucking fucker
Hang on a minute - that's not my suggestion box. I appear to have received Sir Alan Sugar's in error. Easy mistake to make.
20 comments:
Suggestion: Could we make 'Pharmacy Roulette'* compulsory? SOME members of staff feel it is dicing with death and refuse to partake.
Reply: Approved. But all dexamphetamine that fall on the floor automatically revert to management.
*Pharmacy Roulette - a game in which the participants take it in turns to take the stray tablet that inevitably winds up on the dispensary floor at the end of the day. Is it a sleeping tablet? Is it a diuretic? Or will your blood pressure suddenly plummet? The fun is in the not knowing.
Is there a difference between Sir Alan Sweetness and your box?
Pseudonymph: PleasecanIhavethedexamphetaminepleasegoonpleaseIllbeyourbestmate
@Rik -yesyesyesyoucan! Huzzahonly3moresleepstillChristmas!
Suggest we can see the comment which was deleted by the author? Or even better be able to edit it?
I edited it by deleting it, Debster. It's not only Rik that's having problems typing. FOWKs Syndrome. I'm back using the old fenêtres based system and it's throwing me.
How do you delete it???
And suggestions for how to stop a senile old lady treating the cats litter box as a bran tub?
The little rubbish bin icon underneath the time you posted (or: trash can for the Americans). Litter box? Your cats get mail deliveries?
But seriously,for your second problem, put bran IN the litter box. It's my breakfast of choice, it's the same consistancy, no-one will notice the difference.
I like the reply to the swear box suggestion. :)
As for the litter box, I would imagine that having to squat down would be the deterent. But qu'est ce que c'est un bran tub?
Suggestion: All of us click on the Google ads every day. If we try hard enough we may be able to contribute a couple of pounds to the Duck's holiday fund.
Sorry I'm late...
I was over at the chemist's earlier and found this stray tablet on the floor so I took it.
Now the owls are back and the walls are calling to me...
Any idea what the tab could have been, Pseudonmphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
Oh, and btw, I think the suggestion box should recite more poetry and the nice pink swirly colour suits it very welllllllll
What?
Owls you say? Could be Meteorclopramide or Meteornidazole. Hard to say. Indeed difficult to judge if anyone will get those references. I need a holiday.
I got your references just in time...
Do you have a theme song for the Pharmacy Roulette? Can I suggest "Go Ask Alice" by Jefferson Airplane/Starship?
A bran tub is a lucky dip. you put your hand in, stir around and grab anything solid.
Stay away from the bran tub, I think. Unless you take a stray tablet off the floor of Pseudonymph's shop, then all bets are off.
I got those references, and yes, you do need a holiday. Somewhere Owl-free? Or more likely somewhere statistically unlikely to have a meteorite shower. :)
love the photo!!! it rocks
jay
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