Oh Lordy! It's the Office Suggestions Box again
The great thing about running your own company is that you have a) exclusive access to the office suggestions box and b) power of life and death over anyone who dares to use the office suggestions box.
Let's take a look at what the minimum wage drones want my children's inheritance to pay for now:
Suggestion: Please ban the use of the words 'solutioneering', 'metadata', 'helicopter view' and 'six-hour meeting' by all middle management grades
Reply: Bang on. Going forward, all buzzword bingo is punishable by DEATH by low-hanging fruit
Suggestion: Can the company repeat the very excellent "Knife-Throwing Tuesday"? Some of my original targets have since recovered
Reply: I heartily endorse my own EXCELLENT suggestion. £10,000 bonus for that man
Suggestion: Can we help save the Earth by switching the lights off at night?
Reply: Approved. Note to facilities - Please continue with purchase of old tyres and fuel oil for night-time illumination
Suggestion: Please provide beds, eye-masks for victims of long meetings
Reply: I hereby appoint you head of Bed and Eye-Mask Focus Group. Do not report back until you have held detailed meetings with all stakeholders and suppliers
Suggestion: Can the canteen have a veggie option?
Reply: I refer herbivores to the patch of grass next to the car park. You might need to move the old tyres and barrels of fuel oil first
Suggestion: Our department desperately needs an awayday to address urgent morale and workflow issues. Can you arrange this?
Reply: The management board's two-week policy conference in Dubai has decided that these events are unproductive. We will, however, review this decision at the forthcoming management board policy conference in Las Vegas
Suggestion: How about a pay rise?
Reply: How about trying to drive to work with two broken legs
Suggestion: How about a charity swear box?
Reply: Fuck off. And fucking fuck off, you fucking fucker
Hang on a minute - that's not my suggestion box. I appear to have received Sir Alan Sugar's in error. Easy mistake to make.