On answering important theological questions
And again, for reasons far too complicated to explain on these pages, I find myself in a local happy-clappy religious establishment drinking tea and shovelling away free cake as if Armageddon is skulking just round the corner.
In a bored moment away from our usual swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain, I peruse the ever-entertaining leaflets and magazines left behind by people with a better moral compass than I.
And that's where I found this leaflet, asking The Question That No Man Should Ponder: Why did Jesus come?
So, I pondered it.
I have thought long and hard about this issue that has vexed mankind for centuries. I've read The Da Vinci Code, and therefore I know everything there is to know about this sort of tough theological question that has defeated the sharpest minds the Vatican has to offer.
So. Why did Jesus come?
The answer being, of course: Mary Magdalene, stark naked, on a trampoline.
This also got me a WIN in a recent game of Cluedo.
If everything Dan Brown says is true (and it must be, judging by the wall-to-wall Grail Porn on the Discovery Channel these days) that Magdalene woman could have been capable of anything, including the invention of complex gymnasium equipment using only the most basic first century technology available to a slattern living under oppressive Roman rule. You know: Gourds, false beards and the like.
You can't take me anywhere, least of all to a church.
And now, I fully expect WRATH.
I know I get a fair cross-section of people reading these pages, and some of you are quite possibly card-carrying believers who are - as we speak - getting a stake, a box of Swan Vestas and a big pile of kindling together, for killing BLASPHEMERS completely TO DEATH being the only way a forgiving deity deals with people like myself.
Do not fret.
I count myself as an equal opportunities deity-curious atheist, who – in turns – both respects and laughs at the extremes of your belief system irrespective of which prophet, holy man, moon god, mythical night-dwelling creature, Jedi Knight or immortal saviour you worship.
Just don't get me started on Buddha. Up yours, fat bloke!