After years of research, the Department of Health – along with partners in the insurance industry and Fiesta magazine – have finally come up with the definitive List of Things That Shouldn't Be Used As Sex Aids Sponsored by WD-40.And what a list. Printed on laminated card, the discerning pervert is now able to see at-a-glance whether any given item is safe to apply to his/her sexy parts.
Attempts to do THE SEX with any of the following may result in outcomes including – but not limited to – injury, humiliation, arrest, actual DEATH
* Leopards, Tigers, Birds of Prey and BBC Weatherman Michael Fish
* The exhaust pipe of a 2001 model Renault Scenic 1.6 Dynamique
* Mark XVI Spitfire (either end)
* Swindon
* AK47 assault rifle (Folding stock AKMS variant only)
* Susan Boyle
* The Blind Beggar pub in Whitechapel (saloon bar only)
* A bucket of assorted nuts, bolts and carpet tacks
* The London Gherkin
* The still-warm corpse of camp entertainer Danny Le Rue
* Mail order killer bees, not fed for a month and delivered by tractor across a freshly-ploughed field
* The Department of Health "Things that shouldn't be used as sex aids" card
Thanks to the impressive, thorough and costly research that went into this project, this list is exhaustive. If not mentioned on the card, it is perfectly safe to have sex with anything else that comes to hand, including the following, which were previously thought to be on the forbidden list
* Barbershop floors
* The wrought-iron security gates at the end of Downing Street
* Selected other people over the age of consent
* WD-40
This has been a public information message by the Department of Health and the makers of WD-40 – the not-fatal-at-all-when-applied-to-the-sexy-parts lubricant.
On completely unrelated news
Viking, author and bon viveuse Tina Hannan is holding a fifth blogday party over HERE. Attendees are reminded to bring a) bottle b) bird and c) List of Things That Shouldn't Be Used As Sex Aids Sponsored by WD-40 card.
That is all.
26 comments:
Wow, FIRST!
Now, I'm off to Kazakhstan.
Gah, beaten by 5 minutes.
Britpop: Please attempt to have sex with Kazakhstan immediately on your arrivals. We need to know if it should go on the list.
I have tried to post things but it says Blogger is not available
But it is now ...
"Blogger is not available. Somebody spilt the Fairy liquid"
You have some kind of fairy liquid filter on the comments then? And I see Diamond Geezer's thoughts are running along the same lines - must be the hot weather.
And you know something else you don't want to try - Cillit Bang Bang Chicken.
Scary, can you please check that card again ... there must be a warning somewhere there about Amy Winehouse.
p.s. Barbershop floors - swoon.
I have heard that razor wire should not be used as a sex-aid.
Also, my blog should not be used as a sex-aid.
WD-40 on the other hand...
Sorry, anybody fancy a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, btw?
*hic*
They forgot to include a health warning "snot is not a lubricant".
Tzonar.
Tzonar - that caught me by surprise and made me LOL. :)
Ask Pseudonymph about the jar of mucus. Not her jar, but someone else's. Perhaps it's been making the rounds...
I once put WD40 on the windscreen by accident instead of ice dissolver as it said to be used for cold starts. Even when I sold the car there were still traces of it in the corners. I couldnt work out why the ice was refreezing as fast as I melted it.
Debster: Years ago an American student was staying at my house and to say she wasn't one of the sharpest tools in the box was an understatement.
One day she complained that her knee was sore and aching and I jokingly told her that WD-40 was very good for sorting out knackered joints.
Next I knew there was a strange but familiar smell about when she came in the room.
Yep, she'd massaged WD-40 into her knee.
And she was supposed to be one of the USA's brightest students...
Erin: sad but true - that was part of a conversation between me and my bloke. The next line was "...and picking off scabs is not, and never will be, a sexual turn-on".
Tzonar.
Wasn't there a Scary Story a while back about a misadventure with Deep Heat?
I was also reminded of an old Questionable Content strip.
I thought barbershop floors were only acceptable if they had hair on them - can anyone confirm?
What about a barbers shop floor that's had a recent Hollywood wax?
Toilet floors are worse.
Worse: wet toilet floors in the ladies loo. Not acceptable.
Tzonar
What is this "sex" of which you speak?
I have WD40, some brown parcel tape and a laminator, will that be enough?
Duck tape might be better.
What Richard said. Please explain slowly. Very slowly... yeah, like that...
Swarfega is perfectly ok either as a general lubricant, or a handy pot to plunge into.
Actually WD40 might be ok, it does all sorts of things, might give it a go next time ...
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