On short lists of things that should not be used as aids to sexual gratification
After years of research, the Department of Health – along with partners in the insurance industry and Fiesta magazine – have finally come up with the definitive List of Things That Shouldn't Be Used As Sex Aids Sponsored by WD-40.
And what a list. Printed on laminated card, the discerning pervert is now able to see at-a-glance whether any given item is safe to apply to his/her sexy parts.
Attempts to do THE SEX with any of the following may result in outcomes including – but not limited to – injury, humiliation, arrest, actual DEATH
* Leopards, Tigers, Birds of Prey and BBC Weatherman Michael Fish
* The exhaust pipe of a 2001 model Renault Scenic 1.6 Dynamique
* Mark XVI Spitfire (either end)
* AK47 assault rifle (Folding stock AKMS variant only)
* Susan Boyle
* The Blind Beggar pub in Whitechapel (saloon bar only)
* A bucket of assorted nuts, bolts and carpet tacks
* The London Gherkin
* The still-warm corpse of camp entertainer Danny Le Rue
* Mail order killer bees, not fed for a month and delivered by tractor across a freshly-ploughed field
* The Department of Health "Things that shouldn't be used as sex aids" card
Thanks to the impressive, thorough and costly research that went into this project, this list is exhaustive. If not mentioned on the card, it is perfectly safe to have sex with anything else that comes to hand, including the following, which were previously thought to be on the forbidden list
* Barbershop floors
* The wrought-iron security gates at the end of Downing Street
* Selected other people over the age of consent
This has been a public information message by the Department of Health and the makers of WD-40 – the not-fatal-at-all-when-applied-to-the-sexy-parts lubricant.
On completely unrelated news
Viking, author and bon viveuse Tina Hannan is holding a fifth blogday party over HERE. Attendees are reminded to bring a) bottle b) bird and c) List of Things That Shouldn't Be Used As Sex Aids Sponsored by WD-40 card.
That is all.