On riots, justice and CRAB JUSTICE
I think we're all agreed: The recent riots wihch were our country's anti-Diana moment were A Bad Thing. Especially when some DREADFUL CUR came along and looted the very cup of tea from my actual kitchen. A veritable zombie apocalypse, only worse than zombies.
Whilst crime and punishment has been swift, there are rumblings that mere prison sentences and community work won't be enough to deter the culprits.
What the average Daily Mail-reading Joe on the streets demands is thoroughly evil and ironic justice of unmatched cruelty. So, we've channeled our inner Tebbit, and have come up with a few policy hints for the wallahs at the Home Office.
- Boil them alive in tramp sick
- Force a broom up their arse, and make the blighters walk the streets, sweeping up as they go
- Cut off their testicles and replace them with pickled onions. Then show them a series of photos of cheese sandwiches, and slaughter them where they stand if there is even a twitch in the trouser parts
- Fire them out of a cannon straight up Ann Widdecombe's chuff, and then out of another, slightly larger cannon straight into a swamp
- Ties them to stakes at low tide and let the crabs do the rest, for CRAB JUSTICE cannot be denied
- Put them in a liquidiser, mix them with tarmac and use them to resurface the M25, then feed the rest to leopards
- Feed them to Jeremy Clarkson, then feed Jeremy Clarkson to leopards
- Sentenced to an X Factor-style talent show, where sudden-death elimination means exactly that
All of these are genuine suggestions from the Daily Mail website*
* None of these are genuine suggestions from the Daily Mail website