Sooty v Paul Daniels
News reaches us of an unfortunate incident in which veteran stage magician Paul Daniels was clobbered round the head by a pizza wielded by mute TV puppet Sooty.
All an unfortunate accident, we are told. BUT WAS IT?
These are but rumours, but we are already hearing ugly stories that the Lovely Debbie McGee was subsequently tea-bagged by Sooty's thuggish side-kick Sweep.
And then, BREAKING on the wires the unfortunate news that Sooty's reign of terror against stage magicians continues as reports come in of an incident involving Derren Brown and a saveloy.
Why do you think Teller out of Penn and Teller never speaks? He has SEEN TOO MUCH
I think we can all agree - there is nothing worse than your childhood puppet heroes turning on their fleshy masters
Of course, Sooty's struck before. Tommy Cooper, grassy knoll, blow-dart to the back of the neck. Game over.
HE MUST BE STOPPED
People may see Sooty as an innocent stage and TV act, delighting young and old alike with his magic show, but this is nothing but a front. Minutes of research on the internet have uncovered accusations that he is part of a wider conspiracy against family entertainers, led by a mysterious Mr Big exploiting Sooty's hatred for those he blames for his slide down the TV entertainment pecking order.
Sooty - holed up in a compound in Russ Abbottabad - may be the culprit in these outrages, but he cannot be blamed. He is a mere puppet.