Tomorrow on The Jeremy Kyle Show:
"Am I the father of your fish baby, or did you just buy a fish and push it around in a pram to mess with my head?"All this and more tomorrow morning on ITV! Alternatively, go out and throw yourself into the canal.
"If I didn't lay this giant egg, WHO DID?"
"You've had sex with four generations of my family. How can I trust you with great-great-great-grandmother?"
"Your jellyfish fetish is tearing us apart!"
"Lie Detector Results: Did a mad scientist clone you, and then let your clone have sex with both of my sisters and my mum and my aunt and her best friend, then kill the clone and utterly destroy the body so that absolutely no trace remains?"
"You sold the triplets for medical experiments and spent the money on cheap lager. What's the tax situation?"
"HELP! My boyfriend's learning to read and I'm scared he might eventually give up rutting like a monkey in a zoo, wear his baseball cap the right way round and go out and find work"
"You made me have plastic surgery to look like Gary Glitter, now I'm scared to go outdoors"
"Tits or face?"
Appeal for guests: Are you having a sexual relationship with a squid? Is a close member of your family having a sexual relationship with a squid and you all want to come on national television and embarrass yourselves before engaging in a punch-up over your ridiculous perversion while Jeremy shouts at you? Then call 09011 123456 and tell us about your sweet, sweet squid loving. Because we know you're out there.