On Downton Abbey

On Downton Abbey

The new series of costume drama Downton Abbey is clearly the best programme to be aired on ITV for some time, dragging the flagging broadcaster out of the malaise that has gripped it for some years.

And you've got to hand it to ITV Executives for their rush to capitalise on the so-called Downton Effect by integrating their biggest hit into their other programmes in a bid to push up their ratings. But let's see how they're getting on:

Next Week on The Downton Factor: Dame Maggie Smith nails her version of Cher Lloyd's "Swagger Jagger" and gets through to Boot Camp. "You took that song and you made it your own," says Louis Walsh. "Is that Irish skivvy addressing me?" the Dowager Duchess replies

Next week on Downton Been Framed: Dame Maggie Smith falls on her face trying to skateboard down some steps. £250 to the camcorder-wielding butler. Time-stamp blurred

Next week on Downtonation Street: Dame Maggie Smith mouths the words "Well I never" after finding herself refused service in the Rovers Return

Next week on Downton's Got Talent: Dame Maggie Smith gets through to the live finals with her impressive display of enormous hats and withering looks, whilst ordering a butler to thrash some common oik

Next Week on The Jeremy Kyle Show: Increasing familiarity from the servant classes. Is thrashing and enforced sterilization the answer? (May feature Dame Maggie Smith, depending on work commitments)

Not to be outdone, and mindful that Downton Abbey clashes with its own showpiece drama programme - the spy drama Spooks - plans are already underway at the BBC for their own 'spoiler' scheduling:

Next Week on Downton Spooks: Dame Maggie Smith thwarts an Al-Qaeda plot, complains of their 'deplorable manners' for attacking during high tea

Let's hear it for Dame Maggie Smith! Is there nothing she cannot do?