Are you a mental? Do you watch TV soap operas? Beginning to get the feeling that they are all a little bit formulaic?Then you are not alone. Scrabbling down the back of the bins at Elstree studio, we found a document, clearly authored by The King of Television, laying down the rules of Soap Operas. And believe you me, they make daming reading.
1. Ian Beale is not allowed to be happy. The moment a smug, self-satisfield smirk appears on his face, Phil Mitchell MUST flush his head down the toilet
2. The Soapshire Constabulary will always arrest the wrong person in a murder investigation. The second person arrested is always the villain
3. Soap weddings will always go wrong, and life in [SOAPTOWN] will never be the same again
4. In a soap funeral, somebody will always fall into the grave
5. Soap drug addicts will always make a complete and miraculous recovery within days, and will never speak of their ordeal ever again
6. Every soap family has a long-lost relative of whom they have never spoken before, but will one day turn up and live with them forever
7. Any tragedy, no matter how many people are killed, will be completely forgotten within days
8. Nobody has a job outside a 200 yard radius od SOAP STREET. If they do, they are portrayed as some hoity-toity yuppie type
9. Anybody can and will run a pub
10. Soap babies remain invisible for their first ten years of their lives, and will then emerge with ISSUES
11. You will end up either murdered, or looking sadly out of the back window of a departing cab. Or both.
12. Everybody buys everything they will ever need from one tiny shop
13. Nobody ever says Fu...
14. Every Christmas somebody will say "This is going to be the best Christmas Walford's ever seen". It won't.
13 comments:
FU............RST!!!!!
also -
Nobody in soaps goes to the toilet or farts
Everybody wakes up in soaps with perfect makeup
When people get out of bed the morning after having rumpy pumpy, they always have underwear on but pull the duvet round themselves. Also recovering alcoholics can have the occasional drink and be fine until the storyline calls for them to have a relapse. I'm looking at you Phill Mitchell!
Is Casualty a soap? I like to play the Casualty Game, where they show a man up a rickety ladder with a chainsaw and a kid skipping along nearby almost about to trip over a trailing wire, whilst a white van drives along the road and there are cut scenes of joy riders in a blue Citroen Saxa approaching a T-junction. The game is to guess which one/s (a) goes to casualty (b) die and (c) cop off with Patsy Kensit.
And the answer is usually the 75-year old grandad ex-HSE inspector emerging from the corner shop who has a heart attack at the scene before him and chokes on a Werther's Original.
The 75 yr old grandad is the one who cops off w Kensit, right? :)
All 3 usually.
Also in Casualty, how come they never run out of essential bits of equipement and even the most junior staff know how to work it?
The same reason that the Queen Vic and The Rovers Return and The Woolpack never run out of beer or crisps unless someone needs to be in the cellars in order to get killed or discover a body or overhear something juicy.
Do real Irishman say, "Catch yourself on!" every time they speak to someone or has Jim McDonald bagsied all utterances of that phrase for the forseseeable future?
Disclaimer: This may not happen on non-daytime-non-Merican Soaps...
If ever someone is kidnapped, they are always a married person, and will never be found until the spouse has them declared dead, and falls in love with another person, at which point the kidnapped person will reappear at the wedding, suffering from amnesia.
Additional rule for Merkin soaps: it is permissible for a character to awake from a year-long dream, allowing for all kinds of things not to have happened. For soaps that run for more than eight (8) seasons, this is a requirement.
Where do they all park their cars in Corrie?
Watching soaps on the telly drives me mental. Some more tips for dysfunctional behaviour: Life as a Soap character
It will not succeed in reality, that's exactly what I think.
Post a Comment