The Rules of TV Soap Operas
Are you a mental? Do you watch TV soap operas? Beginning to get the feeling that they are all a little bit formulaic?
Then you are not alone. Scrabbling down the back of the bins at Elstree studio, we found a document, clearly authored by The King of Television, laying down the rules of Soap Operas. And believe you me, they make daming reading.
1. Ian Beale is not allowed to be happy. The moment a smug, self-satisfield smirk appears on his face, Phil Mitchell MUST flush his head down the toilet
2. The Soapshire Constabulary will always arrest the wrong person in a murder investigation. The second person arrested is always the villain
3. Soap weddings will always go wrong, and life in [SOAPTOWN] will never be the same again
4. In a soap funeral, somebody will always fall into the grave
5. Soap drug addicts will always make a complete and miraculous recovery within days, and will never speak of their ordeal ever again
6. Every soap family has a long-lost relative of whom they have never spoken before, but will one day turn up and live with them forever
7. Any tragedy, no matter how many people are killed, will be completely forgotten within days
8. Nobody has a job outside a 200 yard radius od SOAP STREET. If they do, they are portrayed as some hoity-toity yuppie type
9. Anybody can and will run a pub
10. Soap babies remain invisible for their first ten years of their lives, and will then emerge with ISSUES
11. You will end up either murdered, or looking sadly out of the back window of a departing cab. Or both.
12. Everybody buys everything they will ever need from one tiny shop
13. Nobody ever says Fu...
14. Every Christmas somebody will say "This is going to be the best Christmas Walford's ever seen". It won't.