A few 100% true FACTS about Christmas

Ho, ho and indeed HO for Christmas Day, which I shall be spending in the loving bosom of my wondrous work place, whilst forcing you - dear reader - to look at this picture of Santa bothering my sister, the no-good cur.

But did you know:

- The Secret Santa tradition commemorates the 1971 arrest and death by firing squad of the original Santa Claus by the Soviet Union for spying for the CIA

- Since his death by firing squad in 1971, the role of Santa Claus has been filled on a job-share basis by Ronald McDonald

- Heaven help you if you get on Santa McDonald's Naughty List. If he gets caught short on his annual round, a crap down the chimney is the only language these curs understand

- Santa's brother Satan Claus looks after the Naughty List, and will often swap it for the Nice List, for shits and giggles

- "Christmas comes but once a year, thank God I'm not Christmas!" goes the joke. In fact, like most people, Christmas is a committed masturbator

- According to Einstein's Really Really Special Theory of Relativity, the more relatives you invite to your Christmas dinner, the higher the likelihood of a fight before the Queen's Speech

- In the first draft of Dickens' seminal Yuletide story "A Christmas Carol", the anti-hero was to be named Ebeneezer Spoodge, who only came once a year. Nobody knows what became of Carol, who was written out for reasons lost in the mists of time

- "Do They Know It's Christmas?" sang 1984 charity group Band Aid. The answer is now a big "YES", after Calendar Club recently opened a branch in Addis Ababa

- Unless you've been sold a dud, squeeze your Christmas turkey and next spring's Easter egg should pop out. When Easter comes round, squeeze the Easter Bunny and you'll get the raisins for your next Christmas Pudding. It's the circle of life, people!

- A newly-discovered first draft of the New Testament has revealed that the name of Our Lord and Saviour was - in fact - Ted Winterval. Seems like all those local councils were right after all

Christmas, everybody! Let's hear it for Christmas!