Thursday, December 22, 2011


Following the death of our arch-nemesis Kim Jong-il, the eyes of the world fall on his son, Kim Jong-un.

Little is known of the young man North Korean state media have dubbed "The Great Successor", who will take the reins as the living head of state of one of the world's least stable nuclear powers; a country with crushing poverty, absolutely no freedom of speech, and an unfinished 105-storey skyscraper in the centre of Pyongyang.

With so little known about the younger Kim - already being groomed to follow into his dead father's cult of personality - we made it our mission to find out what we could, and present our readers with 100 per cent true* Kim Jong-un FACTS.

- Kim rose to fame as the winner of the North Korean version of the X Factor, the lead singer of the boy band Jong Direction

- Sadly, all of the other members of Jong Direction died in absolutely identical accidents, nailing their own heads to IKEA coffee tables the day before their first record was due to be released

- Kim Jong-un is a noted fashion designer, turning his hand to the Pyongyang United car coat, almost ubiquitous in Pyongyang society

- Despite finding fame as the designer of the Pyongyang United car coat, the young Kim is, in fact, a fan of arch rivals Pyongyang City. Commentators speculate that United's 48-year run as North Korean champions has come to an end, particularly after all their players were found dead in absolutely identical chocolate Hob Nob accidents

- The most popular sex position in North Korea is called "Doing it up the Jong-un"

- Kim Jong-un has a mortal fear of barbers following a childhood "Something for the weekend" trauma, and cuts his own hair

- His first executive order as North Korean leader is to have the 300-foot statues of Kylie and Dannii Minogue in the centre of Pyongyang torn down, and replaced with a 500-foot erection in honour of Tulisa out of N-Dubz

- A big film fan just like his dad, just ask Kim Jong-un what number he is thinking of, and he will reply "69 dudes!" He is due to finance a Korean-language remake called "Kim and Ted's Juche Revolutionary Adventure"

- Unkind commentators have remarked on Kim's portly figure in a country where food shortages are rife. Even more unkind commentators say he might have actually caused it

- As a precocious youth, Kim Jong-un was the North Korean Youth Cadre Songun Hide-and-Seek champion eight years in a row, all the other competitors dying in absolutely identical space hopper accidents. His prize each year was a great big pie

- The teenage Kim was educated in an exclusive English-speaking school in Switzerland. His stay in Europe coincided with the Great Swiss Kinder Egg Famine

- Kim Jong-un possesses the world's largest collection of Kinder Egg toys, including the fabled "Back Door Intruder" which was withdrawn after a number of accidents

- At last, the mysterious new owner of MySpace can be revealed

- According to Who's Who in North Korea, Kim's hobbies are shopping in IKEA, winning, looking at things, and pie

- Kim's father Kim Jong-Il once famously kidnapped a film-maker and actress wife to force them to shoot a remake of his favourite movie Godzilla. In a completely unrelated development, Jamie Oliver is just about to receive a Pyongyang-postmarked letter asking him to sort out school dinners in the DPRK
Other Kims are available.

* May actually be lies

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