The great cheese dilemma

Friday night, and we are doing The Big Shop.

We are doing The Big Shop in a big shop in Fleet, where we are standing in the cheese aisle, contemplating cheese.

After much deliberation, in which we refer to the infamous Robot Wars rules ("Damage, Control, Style, Aggression") to make our choice, we are left with just two candidates. And it is the Devil's choice.

"So," says Jane, "It's either the Mature Irish Cheddar that's actually tasty and not too expensive; or ..." she gulped "...Cathedral City."

Cathedral City. It is on special offer, and thus cheaper than all the other cheeses, and therein lies the dilemma.

For one: Is it really cheese? Reading the back of the packet we find that the main ingredient is - in fact - "the tormented souls of the dead", which is never a good start when you are choosing dairy products. The second main ingredient is, ominously, "Your mum".

Secondly: Where is this enigmatic "Cathedral City" of which they speak? Our spies have returned from their global mission and found that the Cathedral City is Pyongyang in North Korea, where the state religion is a mix of ATHEISM and the works of "French Elvis" JOHNNY HALLYDAY. Hardly a world-renowned centre of cheese-based excellence.

Thirdly: Purists note that Cathedral City emerged literally weeks after the use of Napalm was banned under the Geneva Convention. Yet, every day, millions are maimed for life attempting to cook Cathedral City on toast.

So, our choice boiled down to the stark facts surrounding Cathedral City and the economics of buying another, more ethical cheese. Even Primula, which is an ABOMINATION in the eyes of THE LORD, who will make your head melt like the baddies in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We went for the Cathedral City.