Thursday, August 01, 2013

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: The Curse of the Pub Lunch

The Ploughman's Lunch: Note poncy wooden serving platter

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: The Curse of the Pub Lunch

We trecked across the heath that Sunday afternoon, the sun on our backs, to our local. Two pints of your finest, mein host, and a glance at the bar menu.

I ordered the ploughman's, and minded not that it arrived on a wooden platter, the true sign that a food ponce is in charge of the kitchen. At least – one thought – it means that I would get a half-decent ploughman's lunch with locally sourced ingredients.


The ham and the pork pie, the chutney, the salad, the pickled onions, the apple, the hearty serving of bread – I could fault none of these.

But when it came to the most important ingredient of them all, where I expected a flavourful taste explosion, I instead got two thin, slightly sweaty slices of medium cheddar. They might as well have been a wafer of processed cheese to go on top of a burger.


So outraged, in fact, that we bought another round of drinks, imbibed them at our leisure, bid the barman a fond farewell, AND LEFT.

By rights, I could have stormed into the kitchen and burned razed the place to the ground by setting fire to their poncy wooden serving platters and not a jury in the land would convict me, but that is not the way we do things in Britain.

Add this to the disappointing ploughman's I recently ate at a National Trust café (over which we registered our displeasure by purchasing several items in the shop and strolling round a country house and grounds FOR SEVERAL HOURS), I doubt if I will ever eat an acceptable on in this country ever again.

Britain, you've got to pot. SORT OUT YOUR PLOUGHMAN'S LUNCHES.


Anonymous said...

Given the typos Scary, it sounds like you were still raging when you wrote this.

Anonymous said...

No ploughman has ever eaten a Ploughman's Lunch, which was invented by cheese marketing people in the 1950s.

In other news, Gentlemen's Clubs are rarely found to contain gentlemen... ;)

Richard said...

Maybe you should try the beer and burger instead?

I am not a robot said...

Anon @ 12:12 pm
Come on, I'm sure there must be one or two of them who have.

Were there big chips on the menu like in the recent DNILN?

TonyF said...

I had a Ploughman's lunch once.

He was furious.

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flip McFliperson said...

I find the safest lunch to order at a pub, is a second beer. And a third.