Wednesday, August 07, 2013

The quest for honest breakfast cereals, because they're all insincere lying gits

I'm going to put it on the line and make this bold statement: There is nothing more insincere in this world of ours as the "Good Morning!" in big, red cheerful letters on the side of a cereal packet. Bastards.

At least the "Wakey wakey!" on the side of at least one box dusting up my kitchen shelves is more appropriate, and should at least spur other manufacturers to consider more honest slogans:

"Holy shit, you look rough"

"If you got your crap together yesterday, you could be eating this WITH milk"

"Enjoy your nutrition-free calories, LOSER"

"Look, it's ten o'clock at night. Try actual food"

"Another day dawns, one closer to your death"

"Fuck it, go back to bed"

When I get my own cereal brand (and mark my words I will), I'm going to call them Ennui Flakes.


Count Arfoyles said...

Your own cereal brand?
The trouble is, most cereals and made of ... er, well ... cereals.
Why not create a new cereal?
What has this country go a lot of but can't use? The answer is: wasps.
Get the EU to classify wasp as a cereal (just like they classified carrot as a fruit) and start your own wasp farm.
Collect wasps and wasp nests from around Britain and form an intensive wasp production system along the same lines as Mr Matthews breeds turkeys.
The EU will give you massive grants from the Common Agriculture fund.
Use the billions of Euros to employ food scientists in the venture of crisping wasp jackets and packaging them for distribution.
Yellow and black stripey flakes in a bowl at breakfast - It's bound to bee a winner.

I am not mad.

Erin said...

Oh please - I have Ennui Flakes *every* morning.

Pete Smith said...

I start the day with a nice bowl of Shredded Hopes

Onan Tyles said...

Have you ever tried the 'Tear Here' instruction on the bag?