Monday, August 05, 2013

What's it like to have an endoscopy?

After receiving a cunningly-worded invitation from Frimley Park Hospital expressing a desire to stick a television camera down my throat, I rolled up expecting a day of pain and woe as they prodded around at my stomach ulcer.

"So", I asked, eyeing the evil-looking snake they intended to shove down my parts, "will it hurt?"

Also: "You've cleaned it since the last guy, right?"

No, it won't hurt.

Also: They do bums in the mornings, throats in the afternoon, and they always, always clean the endoscope. If they've got time.

Taking a look at the throbbing, glowing monstrosity, I took them up on their kind offer of sedation. My last words as I went under – just as the doctor turned on the music – were "Oh shit, you're not making me listen to sodding Coldplay as wel…."

Then I woke up with a nasty taste in my mouth.

That would be the anti-gag reflex throat spray. I hope.

And they liked me so much, they invited me back. 

(If there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it's that everybody's had one.I didn't realise that the medical profession was so keen to see inside us all)


Anonymous said...

What they should, but often don't - financial budgets you know) that you can partake of the legal version of Rohypnol, which means you lose all memory of the extreme discomfort of having what seems to be a rubber hosepipe jammed down your throat. My first go was 'au naturel' but the second one wasn't. I thefefore had no memory of the discomfort but my kids still laugh at "what Mum had you doing before the drug wore off". They still won't tell me! So if you ask for the second version, make sure you are with someone you really, really, trust!

Dioclese said...

Strangely, it's actually a lot worse than a Sigmoidoscopy (that's the other end in case you're wondering).

Gonzoland said...

And there's Cinemascopy where they squeeze you in a machine until your 35mm and then examine you through a distorted lens.

Anonymous said...

A pretty nurse persuaded me just to have the spray. When I left I asked because of that if I would be able to drive. The answer was of course yes. So I of course said "That's good because . . . "

They may have heard that before in connection with operations to finger sand violins.