Thursday, January 04, 2007

On Star Wars

On Star Wars

Amongst his Christmas swag this year, Scaryduck Junior bagged himself a rather good Star Wars chess set.

It was during one of the holiday's routine chessboard thrashings handed out to my padowan learner (I was the 24th best player in Berkshire, I'll have you know), that I realised one important detail.

While the white rebel side had a number of women - Padme Amidala and Princess Leia, the black Imperial Empire was, sadly an all male affair. Even the queen - Darth Vader - was a man, an all-male galactic view that, I believe, is borne out throughout the film series.

The concerned observer is forced to ask itself: how gay is the Imperial Empire? It is a seething mass of masculinity, looking for an outlet somewhere, making full use of the special attachment you can get for Threepio droids. It is an empire, thrusting out into deep space, keeping a wistful eye on Uranus.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: "That's no moon!"
Luke Skywalker: "You're right, Ben. It's... it's... it can't be... it's a man's bottom!"
Chewbacca: "Waaaaaargh!"

Death Star? Gay Star more like. Crewed by 750,000 rock hard blokes, and nary a woman to be seen. It is little wonder that Luke Skywalker managed to stick one up their exhaust port the second their back was turned, blowing them to all corners of the galaxy like so much space jism.

In the Star Wars universe, the Village People are all Stormtroopers. FACT!

Oooh, look! A Thursday vote-o!

Select, if you will, one of the following stories to be published as this week's Friday Tale of Mirth and Woe. I'm not feeling particularly funny ha-ha at the moment, so here's something I tossed off earlier for a little project we like to call Celebrity Bestiality, so take a look at that instead. Firewall problems? Too right. It's mank of the first order.

* Conk: "Hey look it's a garden spade!"

* Road Rage: "Kick his fahkin' teef in!"

* Hole in the Ground: "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaarch!"

* Killer Sheep: "Didcot. We're in fuckin' Didcot."

* Bin: "Christ alive, what's that smell?"

Vote, then. Vote, vote, vote me up!

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