Here you go, your stars for the coming month fresh from the devious mind of our very own Mystic Penguin. And on the face of it, you'll be lucky to see March in one piece. Stars? You'll certainly be seeing 'em.
Gemini: A swift reminder for all you Geminis - don’t bend over in the prison showers. He’s not called “Mr Big” for nothing.
Lucky fish: Bass
Cancer: And they said smallpox had been wiped out. Don’t worry too much about it though, the “scabby look” is this year’s new black.
Lucky boy band: ‘N Sync
Leo: Congratulations! You’ve been selected for the next series of Big Brother. Your prospective housemates Michael Barrymore, Pete Townsend and Gary Glitter are equally chuffed.
Lucky Spice Girl: Baby
Virgo: The nuclear nightmare becomes a reality as your life is extinguished by the heat of a thousand suns brought upon us by a terrorist madman. That’s Virgo for this month. What a bitch.
Lucky disease: Radiation poisoning
Libra: Fame, fortune and power are within your reach. Unfortunately, both Special Branch and a national tabloid newspaper know the contents of that “special” folder on your hard drive.
Lucky radio station: Voice of the Broad Masses of Eritrea
Scorpio: Buddhism teaches us that life will repay you in your next incarnation for your actions in this and previous ones. Unfortunately, you’re overdrawn at the Bank of Karma for your war crimes last time around. Still, flesh-eating bugs. Could be worse, eh?
Lucky dictator: Mussolini
Sagittarius: Fortune brings a busy road, a forty ton truck and a brief wish that you’d listened when they taught the Green Cross Code at school.
Lucky spoon-bender: Uri Geller
Capricorn: A planetary conjunction in your sign brings wealth, luck and good fortune for all. Except you - it’s killer bees again.
Lucky board game: Lucky Ducks
Aquarius: People will come from afar to compare you with Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He was nailed to a tree, too.
Lucky make-over show: Changing Rooms
Pisces: Oh dear. I’ve just consulted with a doctor on your behalf, and he tells you not to worry. You will be amazed by the elastic proprties of the human rectum. Have you considered a guest appearance on Richard and Judy?
Lucky bra size: 42-D
Aries: Under the circumstances, we thought you could do with a laugh: This kid misses school one day. When he returns, his teacher asks him where he was. “Sorry I was away yesterday Miss, but my dad got burnt.” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” replies his teacher, “not too badly I hope.” “They don’t fuck about at the crematorium, Miss.”
Lucky underwear: Asbestos Y-fronts
Taurus: They say money can’t buy happiness. On that reckoning, you’ll be the happiest bloke in the YMCA hostel this month.
Lucky drummer: Ringo Starr
If it’s your birthday this month: Send me presents. Loads of them. And money. It’s the 15th, you hear? Write it in your diary. Now. Now! NOW!!!
There's a new Weebl and Bob story, with Jonti finally finishing "Bob's Week in France" a mere four months after vowing he'd get seven episodes done in seven days. But by 'eck, it's been worth the wait. A true classic. It's got a talking banana too.