Saturday, January 04, 2003

January's Horror-Scopes

Check out what's in store for you this month with our not-made-up-at-all reading of the stars. Mystic Scary cannot be held responsible for death, loss of limbs or swarms of killer bees resulting from these readings. For a personal reading , please send all your cash and belongings to the usual place. Hey, if Russell Grant can get away with it....

Aries: You’d be better off with making do with what you’ve got. Destiny brings you an axe-wieldinh shop assistant in the returns department of Marks and Spencers.
Taurus: An administrative error at the United Nations has your house designated an Iraqi Weapon of Mass Destruction. Expect a visit from Uncle Sam.
Gemini: Wild Dogs wouldn’t keep you away from the one you love. As a matter of fact, they will.

Cancer: Destiny forsees a friendship with a group of Romanian circus freaks. You may get home before Christmas, if your legs are still working.
Leo: The name “Bernadette” will become important to you. It’s a hurricane.
Virgo: You will be selected for the new series of “Big Brother”. Unfortunately, you ticked the wrong box and applied for the job of “house gimp”.

Libra: Fortune sends you a pair of incontince pants. Swimming lessons will be a necessity this month.
Scorpio: A prank phone call sees you elected the President of North Korea, with hilarious results!
Sagittarius: Destiny sends you a thirty-six foot tall killer robot from the Planet Koozbain. And no instruction manual. Have fun.

Capricorn: A long-lost German tribe will fete you as their God. They will honour you with great feasts, offer you choice virgins to fulfill your every desitre. Then they will kill you in the traditional manner. Sorry.
Aquarius: You will enjoy a long life filled with amusing incidents, stacks of cash, hoardes of admirers and all the free sex you can eat.
Pisces: It’s funny that you’re a Pisces. The doctors say they’ve never seen a fish go in quite so far.

If it's your birthday: I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken as you were adopted as a child following a forbidden affair between Sir John Guilgud and the Queen Mother. Your birthday is actually in October and you missed it. Again.

Scaryduck is an Aquarius. How did you guess?

"Evil Bunny"

First there was a Scary Duck. Then there was a comedy sidekick Robber Rabbit. After that came all that messy business with Penguins. Now there's a 100% genuine Evil Bunny. He's Brazilian. He blogs in Portuguese. Don't let that put you off, because he supports the Arsenal and listens the the world's greatest band Sparklehorse. The bunny is truly, truly evil and we salute him.

"Don't vote, the government will only get in"

It's time for the annual Bloggie awards, where you chaps get to nominate your favourite Weblogs of the year. The voting form is HERE. I don't need to tell you who to vote for. Wil Wheaton. Heh.

Back to the rather-too-smug British Weblog Writer of the Year. Hint bloody hint

No comments: