You know me. I love my spam. I am a connosieur of the art of spamming. However, let it go on record that if I get that "Got Ink?" e-mail again I shall personally go round the perpetrator's house and shove my industrial-sized toner cartridge up his arse. Sideways.
The imagination that goes into many e-mail scams never ceases to amaze me, my particular favourite as regular readers will know, being the "Nigerian" types, where someone, usually in a position of power in Africa, has several million UNITED STATES DOLLARS they wish to move out of the country. And hey, lucky you, they want to send it through your bank account and give you a commission. You're going to be a millionaire pretty soon, so could you help us out by paying a few "taxes" and "fees" up front? Tell you what, just give us your bank details and we'll help ourselves. And you'd be amazed how many people fall for this.
To date, I've had deposed presidents, deposed president's wives and children, former army generals, bankers, civil servants, dispossessed Zimbabwean farmers and one self-confessed diamond thief. A new twist on the scam is rare, but today that is what I got.
"I am a born-again Christian in Malaysia. I am dying of cancer and have Twenty-Seven Million Six Hundred Thousand UNITED STATES DOLLARS which I do not want to fall into the hands of unbelievers. I want to give this money to an individual who will build churches, orphanages and look after widows. Please send me your bank details."
That counted me out immediately. I was planning to piss it all up the wall on drink and loose women, some of whom may have been widows and orphans, but that's by-the-by.
And apparantly, according to recent correspondence, my wang still isn't big enough and Mrs Scary just hasn't got the guts to tell me, bless her.
"SIZE AND STAMINA DO MATTER
More Than You Can Possibly Imagine!!
She is just trying to spare your feelings by telling you otherwise."
I'm sold. I'm going to send them all my money for a bunch of pills made of crushed up laxatives and camel's poo. That's the trouble with women, twelve inches is never enough.
Britney Spears' tits. The J-Lo orgy. Thora Hird stairlift gangbang. The Lisa Riley swimsuit edition. That herbal stuff that gives you a raging stonk-on and makes you live forever. All 100% genuine e-mail offers. Get in there!
Of course, you could be like Jonathan Land and start writing back. Thanks to JPBrassard for this most excellent linky.
Post Script: I'm really, really sorry about the Lisa Riley link. I appreciate that some of you are of a nervous disposition, and I may have got it confused with this link. Sorry.
My very good friend Tony Quinlan is an excellent photographer. He even makes Dagenham look appealing. Almost. Look! Look!! LOOK!!! Now! Now!! NOW!!!