Little Johnnie's walking through the park one day, where he finds some welding goggles that somebody has obviously dropped. He puts them on, and everything's gone green. He wanders about the park, looking in awe at everything with a green tint. The swings, the cricket pavaillion, the duck pond, the dirty old man...
"Hello little boy," says the pervert, a faded Glam Rock star from the 1970's. "Do you know what fisting is?"
"No mister," replies little Johnnie.
"Well then, I wonder if you know what rimming is then?"
"No mister," says Johnnie, a little bit scared by the weird old man in the bad wig.
"I see," says the manky old spunker, rubbing his hands together, "Do you know how to do fellatio?"
"Sorry mister," says Johnnie ripping off the goggles. "I've got something to confess. I'm not really a welder you know."
Boom, and indeed, tish!
"Right, you asked for it...Part the second"
Bob Smith lived a life of sin, doing everything his Sunday school teacher told him not to do. One fine summer's day, he's chased out of a whorehouse in a drunken haze and falls under a bus. Next thing he knows, he's at the bottom of the escalator at the gates of hell, where Satan himself is waiting for him.
"Hello Bob, and welcome to Hell. We've been looking forward to your arrival. Hey - do you like to drink?"
Bob says, "Yes, I love to."
"Great," say Old Nick, "that's what we do every Monday. And hey, do you like to smoke?"
Bob says, "Yes."
"Great, that's Tuesday," says Satan, "You're going to love it here. Do you like to gamble?"
"That's why I'm down here," says Bob, "I lost everything I owned betting on two drops of water running down a window."
"Hey! We gamble every Wednesday, everybody wins!"
Bob can hardly believe his luck: "Hey wow, this gets better and better!"
Then the Devil asks, "By any chance are you gay?"
"No," says Bob.
"Aw, that sucks," says the Prince of Darkness, "You're going to hate Thursdays, mate."