Broke? Too idle to read the latest Harry Potter door-stop? So were we, but we sidled down to WH Smiths, flicked through the last ten pages of the epic to see what all the fuss is about. We are now able to tell you that the major character who buys the farm in the Order of the Phoenix is none other than Harry Potter himself. We cornered author JK Rowling and poked her with a dead fish until she granted us an exclusive interview about her dead hero. Why, JK, why?
“I’m sick to death of the speccy little shit,” said the millionaire author, “running around a spooky castle, doing good deeds, unmasking the villain in the final scene. Good grief, I might as well be writing Scooby Doo.”
So you killed him off? Won’t you be antagonising your fanbase a little?
“Too bloody right. Smeared across the front the front lawn of Hogwarts like so much strawberry jam. And about bloody time too. Treacly kids, cardboard cut-out villains, creaking plots and straight home for tea and lashings of ginger beer. I’ve been recycling Enid Blyton plots for years and made a mint. By the time all those eight year olds finally twig, I’ll be off on my tropical island sunning myself. You see if I care.”
And your plans for the final two books in the series?
“If I can be arsed to write them you mean? I’m going to drag those little shits out of the 1950’s and into the twenty-first century where they belong. You know what it’s like writing childrens fiction? Hell, I tell you. Hell! I’ve got a cast of characters too scared to look down in case they notice they’ve got genitals. That’s going to bastard change now that they’ve reached sixteen. It’s going to be grittier, racier, and I don't just mean Ron tackling a bad case of acne. All hell's going to break loose in Potions Class, I can yell you.”
“You know me - no names, no pack drill, no plot leaks. But nipple clamps will feature heavily. As will golden showers, rimming, sado-masochism and goats.”
Rather more detail than we were actually expecting there, truth be told, JK. And what will you be calling this epic now that the rather-too-dead Mr Potter is no longer part of the deal?
“Hermione Granger and the Clockwork Cucumber of Cthulhu.”
You filthy old moo. One final question - what’s it like having the same name as the lead singer of Jamiroquai?
Note to very rich lawyers: This was an interview with JK Rowling, drunken fantasist and refuse collector for Brighton City Council, and not JK Rowling, the utterly charming author. Honest