Thursday, October 02, 2003


OCTOBER - Your stars from who really, really don’t make it all up as they go along. We just jazzed them up a bit for the real world. Hey, don’t blame us if both your legs fall off while you’re out shopping for trousers. It’s not our fault - it’s pre-ordained in the heavens. Really.

Aries: A re-assessment of your financial goals may be called for at this time, dear Aries. A couple of sessions down the docks with a sign saying “Get it Here” should do the trick.
Lucky teletubby: Po

Taurus: Don't be surprised if someone who has been feeling resentful of you for a while decides to choose this month for the big confrontation! Take no chances. Go out and get yourself tooled up if you know what’s good for you. Guns. Big Ones. And don’t forget the ammo.
Lucky cheating diving Man United horse-faced git: Ruud van Nistelrooy

Gemini: Watch out for Taurans this month. Go get a gun.
Lucky rock band: Faith No More

Cancer: You run into an old friend to whom you have been attracted to for some time, and will have the night of your life with screaming, rampant sex. Don’t worry too much about their nasty rash, you’re already infected. Ebola. Again.
Lucky Dr Who: Tom Baker

Leo: Are you romantically attracted to someone whom you know through your work? Be careful how you tread, as it’s not the done thing to shag the customers. Especially if you work in a supermarket. And especially not if you’re a prison warder.
Lucky Bond girl: Pussy Galore

Virgo: A new moon in Uranus means that your skills will be recognised for what they are. Who’d have thought Italian TV would be making a documentary on the world’s greatest masturbators? At least your mum won’t be watching. Unless she’s Italian.
Lucky noise made by a cow: Moo

Libra: Now is the time to realise that project that you’ve spent the last two years planning. North Korea is open and ready for invasion. Do it! Do it NOW! And don’t spare the nukes. No hang on, got that wrong. You will find 50p down the back of the sofa. Sorry.
Lucky singer/songwriter: Elvis Costello

Scorpio: Pay attention to your dreams. They may be filled with some wonderful ideas that could help you out on the path to success. However, the one about having kinky bondage sex with Margaret Thatcher and Kate Moss in the middle of Picadilly Circus is bound to get you into trouble.
Lucky boderline boiler: Liz Barker out of Blue Peter

Sagittarius: With Mercury rising and some bollocks about Venus doing the tango in Libra, expect things to get a bit wild this month. Our crystal ball sees mind-expanding drugs, a trip to the zoo, followed by a night in the cells. Don’t worry though, your fingers will grow back.
Lucky fruit: Michael Barrymore

Capricorn: Today you might discover a previously untapped talent, perhaps an artistic gift, dear Capricorn. This could be rather thrilling for you, but it'll probably take some getting used to. You might wish to join Virgo on Italian TV.
Lucky dead children’s author the famous children’s author Madonna has never heard of: Enid Blyton

Aquarius: You will be especially radiant and glowing this month, dear Aquarius. Still, that twenty kilos of enriched Uranium in your back garden will come in handy in your plans to blackmail the leaders of the world for ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Thank God for the Niger connection, eh?
Lucky computer that sounds like a character from Only Fools and Horses: Dell

Pisces: According to your 100% geniune not-crap-at-all stars, a new moon in Libra means romance is sizzling this month, and you will pull out all the stops to celebrate your relationship. Obviously, you are a church organist in love with someone who owns a frying pan. Why do I bother making this stuff up when people get paid to do it already?
Lucky French cartoon character: Asterix the Gaul

If it’s your birthday: After a life-time of searching, you will at last be able to confront your long-long father, after the band of the Coldstream Guards turns up to play “Happy Birthday” at your party. Lucky old you.

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