I am writing to express my disgust at recent advertisements which have appeared on our televisual apparatus over recent weeks. I never watch commercial television myself, as it is clearly the home of uneducated imbeciles with regional accents, but my lovely wife Brian is still in a state of shock over the horrors she was forced to endure several hours before the watershed.
I refer, of course, to the depraved advertising campaign for a so-called childrens' magazine called "I Love Horses", owned, I note by filthy Italians, who would, no doubt legally shit in my airing cupboard and wipe their arse on my curtains, before robbing the panties from my lingerie drawer given half the chance.
The advertising jingle "I love horses, they're the greatest animal, I love horses they're my friend." was clearly written with one aim in mind - to groom nubile, pouting young girls into a life of equine depravity at the hands of disgusting sex perverts masquerading as retired Colonels and suchlike, who would then post their filth on such web sites as www.teenhorseslutzxxx.com for a modest fee.
This disgusting practice must be stamped out now, as there are few enough sixteen year old nymphettes to go round as it is, without attracting the great ITV-watching unwashed to this harmless hobby, which would them go down the pan like other once enjoyable pastimes such as dog-rimming, wrecked completely by the late Barbara Woodhouse's ignorant meddling.
I am not mad.
Lt Col Winston St John Cholmondeley-Cholmondeley Patel (Mrs)