Yesterday's missive in the Dorset Echo was clearly the work of a rank amateur. Stand back and watch the master at work:
Congratulations to my old cell-mate "Lord" "Spanker" Hutton for his masterly report into the criminal workings at the BBC. He confirmed what every right-thinking Daily Mail reader already suspects - the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation is staffed by slackers and saboteurs under the pay of the KGB and Mossad, whose sole aim is to bring this once-proud nation to its knees.
Our Conservative Prime Minister Tony Blair is no Margaret Thatcher (God bless her), but he certainly knows how to whip these card-carrying lefties into shape. He had the right idea invading Iraq and Afghanistan. Keep it up Tony, and soon the Empire will rise again, with or without these treacherous pinko whingers who I steadfastly refuse to pay my licence fee towards.
Close down the BBC and let DailyMailVision show them how it's done. I look forward to the return of the Black and White Minstrels and wall-to-wall morris dancing; with news readers supplied by the Nationalist Socialist White People's Party Town Criers Division, a group of fine individuals I would join in a flash if it were not for the initiation ceremony involving hand-bells and a catering size barrel of KY jelly.
With Spanker Hutton getting the lefties against the thin wall, the time has come to put and end to this tide of AIDS-infected, benefit-scrounging, terrorist darkies and gypos swarming through the Channel Tunnel, clutching their Euros and forcing us to wear womens' clothes on Sundays.
Birch them all! The far-sighted Blunkett's got the right idea. Don't bother with a trial - the dervishes must all be guilty of something, otherwise they wouldn't be running away from their luxury homes up the Khyber Pass, wearing suicide bomb belts and heaving suitcases full of anthrax and sex aids.
I am not mad.
Lt Col Winston St John Cholmondeley-Cholmondeley Patel (Mrs)