Letters to the editor

Sir -

So, it appears that our government was perfectly justified in its decision to go to war with Iraq. But this is nothing but a smokescreen to deflect attention from the one, true issue that blights citizens' rights up and down the country. I refer, of course, to those unelected Brussels Eurocrats attempts to allow any Johnny Foreigner, frog, wop or dago to legally shit in my airing cupboard and wipe their arse on my curtains.

This is a blatant attack on any gun-loving British patriot's basic human rights and cannot be tolerated. It is only the start of a slippery slope into a quagmire that the Euro-Nazis are gleefully dragging our once proud nation into as part of their twisted revenge for The Brotherhood of Man's Eurovision song contest triumph. "Save all your kisses for me", translates into German as "Two world wars and one world cup, you humourless squareheads"; while "Buck's Fizz" is actually the French term for dog rimming.

Tony Blair must act now to put an end to this peril immediately with firm and decisive action. Seal up the Channel Tunnel I say, and pump it full of Dover's waste effluent like the outsized sewer that it is! Myself and David "Bomber" Blunkett have volunteered to take a Lancaster bomber over the Channel and drop twenty tons of best British soap on those Parisian soap-dodgers, it's the only language these snail-eating curs understand (apart from French).

It's time to throw our lot in with our friends and allies over the Atlantic. I, for one, would welcome our new overly-litigious puritanical overlords. God bless President Rupert Murdoch.

I am not mad.

Yours etc,

Lt Col Winston St John Cholmondeley-Cholmondeley Patel (Mrs)

This one will be arriving on the desk of the editor of my local rag any day now as a response to the local sexing-up scandal. That'll learn them.

Dear Sir -

I refer to the Dorset Echo's headline last Wednesday "Travellers leave site immaculate", in which a single unverified source claimed that the travellers which had been illegally camping in a council car park had voluntarily moved on and taken their rubbish and refuse with them.

However, subsequent information, verified by several independent witnesses, showed that the site was left resembling the aftermath of the Battle of the Somme, and it was only the council's own workmen moving in at 6am who left the car park in its now pristine condition, ending any danger to the sensitive bird sanctuary next door.

Therefore, one can only conclude that last Wednesday's front page was entirely without foundation, relying on unreliable, "sexed up" evidence to embarrass council officials while crediting an enemy of the nation (steady on! - ed) with actions which clearly did not happen. I expect a full and frank apology and high level resignations at the Echo forthwith.

Besides, I'm after a new job. I am not mad.

Greg "Call me Greg" Dyke.

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