Wednesday, February 18, 2004

The Wednesday Wad

Dolphin Sex Update

I haven't done a dolphin sex update for the best part of a year, since the sad news of one-eyed, sex-pervert, crime-fighting cetacean Randy/Jacques/Flipper's messy demise whilst on a booze cruise to the Netherlands. That certainly learned him.

But yay! There's a whole family of 12 to 15 dolphins arrived in Portland Harbour, literally a couple of hundred yards from Scaryduck Towers, flipping about, eating fish and generally being nice to people in the only way that dolphins know how. The poor, gullible fools. Now that the news is out, there'll be a swarm of dolphin perverts flooding Weymouth with their thigh-high wellie boots, fake rubber fins and gimp masks. And don't say I didn't warn you.


Dot dash dash dot dash dot. That's easy for you to say, but after 160 years of history, the International Telecommunication Union has added a new character to morse code. To me and you it's the @ symbol, primarily introduced so radio operators can continue their conversation by this new-fangled e-mail thing. Rather ironic isn't it? The one great change to Morse could well be the one that kills it off.


Blankety Blank. Go on, scroll to the bottom if you dare. "If you like this, we also recommend Alien (1979)". Sweet Jebus, I always suspected the worst of Terry Wogan, but this is taking the piss.

Now you come to mention it, Balders, I never quite caught up with The Director's Cut.


Now, I've got nothing against vegetarians; but why oh why oh why oh why, do all militant veggies prefix anything they are eating in the presence of meat-eaters with the words "delicious" and/or "nutritious"? Is it some kind of propaganda thing, or are they trying to kid themselves that their delicious and nutritious three bean salad doesn't taste like cardboard and will be burning up the ozone layer for the rest of the afternoon.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?

Film Review

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

It's got pirates who say "Yarr!" without any irony whatsoever. It's got zombies. It's got Johnny Depp ad-libbing lines from The Fast Show. It's got Gareth out of The Office with a false eye. It's totally daft and has plot holes you can drive a bus through. It's ace.


Best. News. Story. Ever. I laughed until my nobbies ached.

On second thoughts, no, this one is.


This weekend I shall be mostly attending a rock'n'roll themed fancy dress party. I will be going as Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli. Pray for me. Scary Jr will be going as Shakin' Stevens. He shall be plied with caffeine to ensure Shakiness.

And let it also be known that I have just written the world's worst joke, and have hidden it away in my arsenal of fear and woe. I reserve to right to unleash it on you any time I see fit. Be warned.

The Scaryduck Archive

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