Wednesday, August 10, 2005



I am no petrolhead, but I drive enough to know that there are cars out there designed with one thing in mind: to get on my nerves. And to be on the road in front of me. Two things. And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three things. Three.

As I pull on a leather jacket and a pair of jeans with a crease in them, slowly morphing myself into Jeremy Clarkson, vote, then, for the worst car ever. I know about awful cars. I have owned in my time:

- Renault 4
- Austin Allegro
- Fiat Strada
- Peugeot 205 with optional no-faster-than-60mph engine
- Ford Escort

So I think I’m pretty qualified to know shit when I see it. However, nothing can be worse than:

* The Chrysler PT Cruiser. A stupid car for stupid people. Anyone who has spent actual money on one of these vehicles should be hunted down and flayed alive. Hampshire Police have one.

* The Nissan Micra. A car with a rear end based on the Arse of Lopez. To see one of these sewing-machine powered wheelbarrows in the road in front of you is one of life’s more depressing moments. No need to hunt these people down in order to flay them alive, as they’re already there in front of you.

At this point it is also worth mentioning Mansell’s Reverse-Mass Theory: The smaller the car, the larger the driver. As pie expenditure increases, the bloater cannot afford a proper car and will instead purchase a Micra or a Fiat Panda. Fern Brittan, for example, drives a Smart car, with optional pie holder.

* Mini Metro / Rover 111 / Whatever they’re calling them this week because you just can’t rebrand shit. The car old people drive just before their free ride in a hearse. What will out nation’s OAPs drive now Rover have bitten the dust? *cough* Proton *cough*

Pop music's Gary Numan says:

“Here in my car
Something something something
Oh Christ there’s a bloody Reliant Robin in front of me
It’s the only way to live – in CARS
Gazza Numan

And you say?

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